tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37688315918964323812024-01-20T17:37:36.457-08:00 Rory's StoriesA weekly dose of craic and honesty from the finest storyteller this side of the M50... Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-44671691600641959092014-03-27T09:15:00.000-07:002014-03-27T09:15:09.427-07:00A bit of Awkwardness on St. Paddys Day!!<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_53344e4ca625e2937981949">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">No doubt half the country is still recovering from that hectic weekend, no more so than myself, well have a read of this short story, I’m sure its happened to you all at some stage in one way or another.. AWKWARD!!<br /><br /> Last Monday, as you know was Paddy’s day, the greatest session known to man, well I went out Sunday night and did the dog on it, woke up hanging Monday morning and only had one thing <span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">on my mind ‘da cure’.<br /><br />So I headed down to one of the pubs in Ashbourne, it was wedged after the local parade, I was sculling pints and singing songs ta beat the band, craic was mighty!!<br /><br /> Anyways, at one stage I went out to the smoking area with the lads to have a fag, now I’m not a smoker but I said I’d have one, I dunno about you, but when you don’t smoke regularly and chance one with a few pints on ya, it blows the absolute facking head off ya, especially when the cigarette you manage to bum, was none other than the dreaded ‘Major’, ya may as well be throwing your lips around the exhaust of a tractor as to smoke one of them yokes ,it’s like inhaling a bonfire with every drag!<br /><br /> After taking a few hefty pulls , I went straight back inside, goosed and extremely light-headed from the nicotine buzz. I spotted this woman at the bar who had her back to me, I was convinced it was my mother, as she was wearing the same top, So I waddled over, not thinking, big smiley stupid drunken head on me, mad for the craic and grabbed her arm “Mon ma, we have a dance, Yeoww ya boya”!!<br /><br />She turned around, and made eye contact with me, sure jaysus it wasn’t my ma at all, I quickly released her arm, “God, I’m so sorry I thought you were my mother, I do apologise”, she wasn’t too quick to say “ahh its grand”.. as you do during an awkward moment like that! Well To make the situation 10 times worse, wasn’t she a foreign woman that, god love her, hadn’t a sniff of English, she just gave me a look of death. Stuck her nose up to the above ceiling, turned her back and continued to drink her black coffee.<br /><br /> I bowed the head in shame and quickly darted into the jax, looked straight ahead of me and began to call myself “an absolute fucking gobshite” into the mirror!!<br /><br /> I won’t be bumming another ‘green major’ cigarette anytime soon; ya may as well be smoking heroin!</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-68010006686140975372014-03-14T05:37:00.004-07:002014-03-14T05:37:53.415-07:00I'll go handy on them "hash cookies" in future !!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The year I was travelling OZ we were told to make sure to go
to this place called “nimbin” which is near Byron Bay, we said we’d go for the
day to see what the craic was, the trip was $50.We were picked up from our
hostel that morning, brought to this famous place, fed and home that eve –
standard day trip!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyways before we headed off we did some research about this
place, apparently it was a stoner’s paradise, no guards within 40 miles of the
village and mad aul wans selling weed and “Hash biscuits” on the street. I
wasn’t in the humour of smoking the weed, so I said I would go for a couple of
the hash biscuits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On the way down that morning the bus driver warned us only
to take half of the cake that these women are selling because it’s very strong
stuff!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I</span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> ran into one of these mad haters an hour or so before we
were departing to head home,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So how much for these cookies?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“4 for $30”.. says she, wearing what only can be described
as a very woolly curtain, which was wrapped around her whole body and a hat
like a crow’s nest on top of her head - da cut of her!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Grand job!” I says,
with an eager and excited head on me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So I bought the 4 off her, straight away I horsed one into
me, they were rotten, tasted like dry dirt. I waited about a half hour,
absolutely no effects,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I’m after been
codded by the aul biddy’s, these are a hape of shite”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So I decided to take another 2 of them, “ Ah I’m a big lad,
I’ll be grand”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As we were on the bus home, there wasn’t a single word out
of me and I suddenly began to gather this uncontrolled smile on my face, I just
could not stop smiling, I’d say I had some mental head on me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then a few minutes later my toes and fingers went pure numb,
I was in an isolation of utter relaxation,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Bejaysus this is
mighty stuff” I says to the missus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then around 10 minutes later, I’m not sure how or why, but I
started nodding away to myself telling the misuses,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I love this song” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“What song”.. says she<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The tune that’s on
the radio!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Rory there is no music on, you mad egg!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When she said that to me, I then got woefully paranoid and
thought the whole bus was staring at me laughing, I was up the top of the bus
and was too scared to turn around and make eye contact with anyone, I just sat
there and gazed out the window in a state of total fear and was, to tell you
the truth, absolutely fucking terrified of my own shadow, I couldn’t even close
my eyes and try sleep cause I was getting a shocking bad dose of the ‘spinnies’
every time I tried that – nightmare!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This went on for the whole bus trip home, it felt like I was
on the bus for 3 months and it was just a 45 minute drive! When we got to the
hostel, I began to come back to normality and long and behold…. Wasn’t I was
fucking starving!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I got off the bus and headed straight into a chipper. While
still smiling like a three quarter,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I ordered about a week’s wages worth of fast food, walked
back into my hostel, sat down and ate for 52 minutes solid, didn’t say a word
to anyone, just ate and ate and ate!! After my feast I then fell fast asleep
for about 16 hours and woke up the next morning fresh as a daisy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Be god there is a lot to be said about legalising Bob
Marley’s favourite past time – Mighty stuff and no hangover !! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-51337177771863169382014-02-25T04:33:00.002-08:002014-02-25T04:48:15.813-08:00Ahh well, the building sites will have to do so !!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We’ve all experienced a nightmare of a job interview at some
stage, am I right!!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well below is my
story, by god I was grilled, Enjoy!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Back in 2009 I got an offer I couldn’t refuse, I was gifted
a very hefty redundancy from my Employer that I simply couldn’t turn down. So
myself and my girlfriend Emma decided to head off and see the world while we
had the chance. We had a ball, seen everywhere from Figi to Vegas. After all
our adventures travelling we finally settled in Sydney with my sister Carol and
her husband till we found our feet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At this stage the money was starting to run low so we had no
choice but to find work, I was working in the Insurance industry at the time. I
had no qualifications I just got by being a ‘people’s person’ I suppose. Well I
had landed myself an interview with Allianz Insurance, huge company where I
felt I could earn big dollars.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So I went and spent a fair few bucks on a custom made suit,
I’ve big thighs and an even bigger arse so it was great to finally have a pair
of trousers that fitted me properly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The days leading up to the interview my sister was warning
me to be ready for the interview and to do some research on it, but me being a
cocky bollox I didn’t do a tap of research<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Don’t worry about it Carol, I’ll be well able to talk the talk, nay a
bother ta me”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The day of the interview came around, I remember it well
because it was close to 40 fucking degrees and not a bit of a breeze, I’d of
course slept in that morning so I had to run for the 10.30 bus, the interview
was due to start at 11. I was sitting on the bus pissing sweat, shirt
completely stuck to me, not exactly the greatest start to the day, ah but not
to worry, I was going to waltz this interview and be starting on a $50,000
salary the following Monday – piece of cake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I got to the offices at 11 on the dot, walked up to the
receptionist,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Well how things, my
name is Rory, I’m here for an interview”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“G’day Rory, here is your interview form, please fill it out
and hand it back up as soon as you can, because Pauline and Judith are ready to
interview you”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Will do”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well you would want to have seen the amount of pages I was
expected to fill out, nightmare. I had a quick look through it and some of the
questions on the sheet I didn’t even know what they meant,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Question 10: Please fill in your below exams results for the
following Insurance exams!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, not only did I never do any insurance exam in my life,
but I couldn’t even name one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I began to get the feeling that I was way out of my depth
and in serious trouble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After 5 minutes of filling in ‘N/A’ under most questions I
felt I’d better hand this form back up to your wan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Ok, thanks Rory they
are ready to see you in room 4”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I walked in; the room was tiny, so I felt like a giant walking
into it. There were two women sitting down ready to interview me, neither of them great
looking and they didn’t come across the friendliest, both had very sharp looks
on their faces. The air-con in the room seemed to be broken because I was
fucking baking and there was no doubt about it that I was already banging of
fresh BO from all the sweating I did on the bus earlier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Good morning Rory” says one of them, in a sharp Aussie
accent!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I bent down a shook both their hands, big sweaty paws on me,
“Well ladies, what’s the craic!?” – I got no reply; they were already clearly
pissed off with me for some reason.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So Rory, why should we hire you, what will you bring to the
team?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Ahhh well I’m a great team player, I’m always there for
other people on my team when needed” – the usual bollix you say in interviews.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I continued to waffle on, I looked at the other aul biddy
who was taking notes and I noticed on the form just how bad my handwriting
really was, didn’t I go and put down the wrong date on the poxy form due to my
panicking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“So Rory explain to me a scenario where you implemented the
insurance act 1984 to solve a problem!?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I paused for a moment while thinking to myself “Sweet lord
of divine jaysus, what in the name of god is she talking about”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Come again” I muttered, as the sweat began to flow down my
back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She sighed and repeated the question in a much slower and
sterner tone of voice, God I knew I was fucked and that my bluffing was going
to get me NOWHERE with these two aul bags.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I came out with a brutal answer, along the lines of being
honest when you are in the wrong or something pathetic like that, at this stage
I began to get light headed and my mind went completely blank!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then she came out with “Ok Rory, explain to us what benefits
of the Insurance Act 1984 can benefit you and Allianz Insurance?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Right I’ve had enough” I says to myself, stood up, banged
my sweaty head off an above light and said <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Listen ladies you clearly have me sussed, so I won’t waste
any more of your time, all the best”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Left the room, walked by the receptionist and told her I’d
nailed the interview and that I’d see her Monday morning…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Needless to say I spend the next 6 months shovelling cement
and drinking rotten tae on some Aussie building site !!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-50304428657360663932014-02-18T08:32:00.000-08:002014-02-18T08:58:20.044-08:00Go for the '50/50' balls they say, be grand they say !!!<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.6pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">We have all had our fair share of injuries playing sport, from
dodgy ankles to pulled hamstrings. It’s all part and parcel of playing the
game. Every now and again you do get a woeful bad injury, a ligament tear or a
dislocated shoulder for example. Sure only last weekend, unfortunately for all
Kerry fans and GAA fans in general, the great Gooch Cooper fell victim to an
awkward challenge, tore his ACL joint that will now leave him supping on
Carlsberg and counting his All stars for the rest of the season, depressing
that we won’t see his dummy solo followed by a curled point off the inside of
his left peg in Croker this summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Well a few years back I suffered a horrible auld injury myself -
made absolute shit of my cheek bone!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.6pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I was playing in a run of the mill league game with my club over
in TRIMMMMM! It was a very hot sunny day. The sun was beaming above one of the
goals making it impossible to see the ball. Any midfielder will tell you that,
that it is a nightmare when you are trying to win a kick out. Screaming: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“RORYSSSSS BALLL”</i> and you haven’t the
foggiest where the ball is in mid-air! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Well, this game was on about 10 minutes and we were up by a
couple of points. Our keeper placed the ball on his tee and let rip down the
middle. I called for it (I’m the type of midfielder who calls for every ball in
sight and might only win half of them), a big awkward lump in other words! So
as I called for this ball the sun made complete and utter eye contact with me
and I couldn’t see a thing…BANG!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I
remember is getting off the ground and my opponent saying to me, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Holy Jaysus lad your face”.. ‘huh? what’s
wrong!!?’</i>, I turned to another lad and he said the same!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.6pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Next our club chairman came over and says <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“jaysus buuck your cheek bone is broke”</i>. I was then guided off the
pitch as I’d some concussion and into the changing room I went. I had a look in
the mirror and I’m not messing, my cheekbone was down hugging my Adams apple! “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">LOVELY”</i> - so it was straight to Navan
hospital for me. One of the selectors; a very decent skin from Shhligo said he
would bring me in. Now Mick is a legend of a man but didn’t grasp the
seriousness of my situation! We got in the car and Mick – being the diehard GAA
man he is, had to tune in LMFM radio to listen to another game before we had
even left the grounds!! - GAA man to the core. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Take your time there Mick, no panic!!”</i> So we eventually left. I
remember just bouncing back and forward in the front seat in desperate pain
altogether while Mick was timing red lights to perfection. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Mick, for the love of god will ya put the boot down”.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Everything about the trip to the hospital was torture, from the
heat of the sun beaming in on us, to the Sunday drivers out in force, going
29MPH along every poxy road! As we were coming close to Navan, being the
situation I was in, by accident didn’t Mick thunder over a ramp and BANG, flat
fucking tyre!! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“ Ahh jaysus, you have to
be kidding me”</i>. And so, we had to pull in to a nearby shop to change the
tyre. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.6pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Picture this; there was me in the front seat shaking with pain
and Mick out changing the tyre, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely
faccking typical</i> were my thoughts! Mick being the decent sod he is, went
into the shop and came back out with a mars bar and a bottle Lucozade, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Now Rory that will keep you going till
dinner”!! </i>I could barely open my eyes with the pain, let alone my shattered
cheekbone to chew on a mars bar!!!! I would have loved to let rip but I
couldn’t because at the end of the day he was helping me out. Eventually we got
going again, arriving at Navan hospital a solid 77 minutes after I’d dismantled
my cheekbone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I tried to give my details to the person at reception but my
cheekbone was in that much of a heap I could barley get the sentence out, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Mick will you give my details there,
thanks”</i> Mick goes up gives as much details as he could about me and arrives
back down to our seats with a glass of water and one and a half panadol!! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Here Rory, they gave me these to ease the
pain for you”</i>. Now giving a man with his cheekbone like a scrambled egg,
one and a half panadol would be like giving a whale a figroll to satisfy his
appetite. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Ahh jaysus Mick have they
anything stronger?”</i> he went back up and came back down with 3 panadol!! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Awe lord bless us and save us”</i>.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I remember that casualty room well, full of
chaps in all kinds of football gear, everyone as pissed off as each other being
there.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">One lad was giving out stink to his mother, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Jaysus Mammy, my ankle is fecking killing me, I cant move it, its
broken, defiantly broken!”</i> .. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ah Pet,
I’m sure you will be ok and will be grand for your school lessons on Monday!!”</i>
That actually made me laugh, typical mother thing to say, more concerned about
little Jimmy not missing school then the bone in his ankle popping out to say
hello to the whole of casualty.</span><br />
<div class="ecxmsonormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.6pt; margin: 0cm 0cm 16.2pt; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">About 2 hours later, while sitting there absolutely starving but
couldn’t eat a thing, the Doctor calls me in, </span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">“Hello Sir, what appears to
be the problem??”</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"> Now I don’t know if he was
either drunk blind or both, but for a man who went to college for half his life
to ask me that question and I with the cheekbone dismantled, summed up the day
I was having!! – Some Cheek!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #444444; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Let’s just say it was a very long and painful afternoon below in
Navan Hospital.<o:p></o:p></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-58448441274972651792014-02-10T09:44:00.000-08:002014-02-12T00:41:21.671-08:00The day I nearly committed manslaughter just to back a feckin donkey!!<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I’m sure there are a few budding
gamblers reading this who love a flutter on an auld horse every now and again.
Well a couple of years ago the famous Cheltenham festival was on and like most
people who love their horses I was stressing over what horses to put my few
shillings on. I’d a pain in my hole getting tips off every Tom, Dick and Harry
who thought they had the business sussed!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">“I’m telling ya Rory, my fathers
2nd cousin sweeps the yard for Mullins once a month and he says your mans a
cert!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">“C’mere Rory, you see that horse
there!?”... “I do Paddy”... “Well I was told by a good source that he’s
absolutely flying below in the yard and won’t be beaten, make sure you don’t
tell too many people though because his odds will go to shite”... “No bother
Paddy, thanks for that”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">All this general craic does be
going on in every pub and bookies up and down the country, ‘tip’ my bollox if
you ask me, Just because Tony Martins horse is flying in his yard, what’s to
say Noel Meade’s horse in Noels yard that will be running in the same race
isn’t in the same kind of form. ‘Pure cowboys Ted’.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyways I was very stressed one
day; I think it was the 3rd day of the festival. Things weren’t going too well
for me to say the least. I’m telling ya, for the life of me I couldn’t back a
winner. The jockey bating the horse before they even had a lap of the track
done, “look at my horse, been shaken up already, jaysus sake”. The one or two
horses were going well for me, leading for the whole race and then absolutely
die a death coming up the famous hill “g’wan bate him ruby, go on, ahhh he’s
fucking banjoed, feck sake”, the same aul usual bollix when your luck isn’t in.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So there I was sitting at home watching the coverage on RTE, in bad aul form to
tell you the truth.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I then got a text off a number I
didn’t recognise, the message just read “flying eagle won’t be bet in the
4.10”...nothing else!! I looked at the clock, she read 3.55, “ah shit”, so me
and a friend of mine jumped into the motor and flew down the road to get the
bet on, both of us knowing well that the horse didn’t stand a chance of winning
because of the luck we were having, but sure jaysus it was a ‘tip’ so she had
to win !!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I parked er up outside the
bookies in a bus lane and also blocking an entrance to the local pub, while my
buddy flew in to get the bet on! I was sitting there saying to myself “thisss
gobshite now is probably talking crap to some aul lad and won’t get the bet
on.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Then all of a sudden a bus came
along and gave me a beep to get out of the lane…”fucking typical” I says to
myself! So I stuck her in reverse, then I just heard a bang at the back of the
car and a loud “ahhhh”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I looked in the wing mirror and
all I seen was a worn down walking stick going about 6 feet into the air. “O
holy god, I’m after killing a poor aul crater”. I jumped out of the motor and
there was a man, not too far off his 80th birthday, gradually pealing himself
off the ground. ‘My god I’m so sorry sir, are you ok???’<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Thank the lord be te jaysus he
was ok, a bit shook, but ok. So being in a bit of shock myself, I didn’t know
what else to do other than guide the poor owl wounded pensioner into the local
bar, sat him down, bought him a straight whiskey and walked back outside. “God
I was lucky there” I says to myself!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Sure of course the day I was
having, didn’t I come out of the pub to find some dorky aul clown trying to
clamp my out of tax car. “Ehhhhh relax there pal, I’m going now!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Just as I said that my friend
came out of the bookies, big thick bulling head on him and says “That poxy
horse fell at the last, he was 5 lengths clear coming up to it, ploughed into
it and sent McCoy off into the crowd”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">”Ahh for faccckkk sakeee, right
enough is enough’, so I moved the car off into a respectable place to keep the
clamper man happy, Turned off the phone and joined the poor aul shaken up man,
that I’d nearly murdered, on the high stool for a few pints.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I suppose as the famous song goes,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">“ma mama told me there will be days like this”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-83398804520271415002014-02-06T11:26:00.002-08:002014-02-06T11:32:59.431-08:00Not exactly “Sigerson Cup” standard !!<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Growing up
I was never a great man in school, I often struggled to understand the simple
things. Sure even to this day, I find myself under awful pressure trying to
identify where to stick “There & Their” into a sentence. Only for
spell-check you would be fairly puzzled trying to read my stories<span style="color: red;">.</span> I reckon my aul man must have dropped me when I was
baba because that part of my brain has been nonexistent since the get go!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I struggled
through both primary and secondary school, ducking and diving out of any
homework I got “I’m telling ya teacher, I had it all done and forgot my copy
book”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">During my
last 2 years of Secondary school, instead of the traditional leaving cert were
you are expected to sit 37 exams over 2 weeks and your poor hand bolloxed tired
filling the English paper full of waffle, I went for the easier more enjoyable
option that is Leaving Cert Applied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So I
basically had nothing but pure craic for my last two years of school and I
don’t regret it in the slightest. The only bad thing about it was that there
wasn’t a drop of rain in the dessert chance of UCD, DCU, DIT or any of the
other big guns entertaining me and my ‘merit’ in LCA.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So, when I
left school of course the mother annoyed the life out of me to do something
with myself;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You’re not
hanging around this house sticking your head in & out of the fridge all
day; you may get a job or go to a college that might take you!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> “Jaysus ma I’ll sort something out, any
chance of tea and toast!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Being very
into sport I said I would do the ‘fitness instructor’ course in Colaiste Ide,
Finglas, even if it was just to keep the parents happy. I arrived in on my
first day, wearing the Meath tracksuit, wanting to tell the whole collage, I
play for my county. Typical young GAA lad thing to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After a few
days in collage, I approached my tutor<span style="color: red;">;</span> “What’s
the craic with football in this place, when we training?”. He said they fielded
a team alright but they were never any good, they’d never won a thing. The year
I was there we had 5 or 6 solid players. We had Dublin’s double All Ireland
winner and a pure hardy buck; Philly McMahon, along with his club teammate;<span style="color: red;"> </span>Ballymun’s Duracell battery Alan Hubbard and a pure
talent in St. Vincent’s utility man and Leinster club medal winner Willie Lowry
– Willie is a genius at football, I’ve never met a man to take the piss out of
opposing players like Wille did. A<span style="color: red;"> </span>pure class
act!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We also had
a couple of Meath minors at the time including my big awkward frame; so I felt
that we had the spine of a decent team sorted. I reckoned that we’d give this
competition a right good rattle. All<span style="color: red;"> </span>we needed
to do was gather up 5/6 lads to field a team. Well, you would want to have seen
some of the ‘bandits’ we had togging out for us. There were 2 or 3 lads who we
thought looked a bit ‘wirey’ and asked them to play” fancy playing a bit of
football lad?” “eh, like Soccer” No, Gaelic, the real mans sport<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Ah well I
played a bit of GAA in school alright, I wouldn’t be great, but if yis are
stuck I’ll play alright”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">These type
of heads, all heart but wouldn’t have the foggiest what a ‘square ball’ meant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">One lad,
woeful sound chap, we used to put the number 15 on his back in every game and
ask him to stand in the corner for the hour and try hit a lad with a shoulder
if possible. He used to arrive to every game in a pair of summer shorts, jet
black ‘Dunnes Stores’ socks, and a pair of them astro runners that you’d buy
below at the Fairyhouse market. He also had a pair of glasses on him that were
thick enough to survive a smack of a sledge hammer. “I have to wear them Rory, I
can’t see a bleedin’ thing without them”. He reminded me of that little chap
out of the film “The little giants” were the mother sent him into battle
covered head to toe in bubble wrap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
<span lang="EN-US">Then there
was our north Dublin ‘Intimidator’, he was brought along to give us that rough
look, “fuck, these lads will murder us if we act the bollox”. He’d play the
game with a jewelry box full of gold on him, from the Nike earrings to the
knuckle duster sovereigns, he looked like a lad who would take your head off ya
if<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3768831591896432381" name="_GoBack"></a> you asked for a sup of his water bottle, if truth be
told he was a gentleman and wouldn’t harm a fly, but he struck a bit of false
fear into the opposition so that’s all that mattered!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We
defiantly weren’t the only collage who had to round up 15 lads at the last
minute to play a game. I remember one day we played a team from up north. We
were expecting big hardy brutes, giving the dominance of Ulster football at the
time, but no, they were woeful!! I’m still convinced that they were the college
soccer team because they were absolutely Cat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There was
this one lad; ah the collar up, socks up and baggy shorts on him. You knew by
the head of him he hadn’t the slightest drop of GAA in his blood. Whenever he
got a ball he’d throw it on the ground and head for goal<span style="color: red;">.</span> Every time this happened his manager would roar in an
outrageously thick Derry accent; <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“acccttt
pick er up sir, you’re not playing saccer now bhoy”. Philly Mac managed to
score 2-4 from play with the number 3 on his back that day. One of the goals he
scored he was teed up for a header - that kind of opposition! We’d have been
better off playing a game of ‘heads and volleys’ for the hour!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We had
great craic playing the matches. Most games, the standard was no better than
Junior B, so it was very enjoyable<span style="color: red;">.</span> I remember
the semi final of the competition so well. We were a point down with 1 min to
go<span style="color: red;">.</span> Lowry ran the pitch and hand passed the ball
to our lethal number 15, who palmed it to the net and we’d won! I’ve never seen
such a happier lad on a field in all my life, “I love the GAA lads, fookin
whopper so it is” he says to us in the dressing rooms after.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We went on
to win the all Ireland Division 3 that year, (behind Sigerson & trench cup)<span style="color: red;">.</span> It was the most enjoyable few months of football
I’ve ever played<span style="color: red;">.</span> I believe our lethal number 15
is still kicking ball for Parnells Junior D team. The likes of him is what
really makes the GAA; pure characters!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-1981277956147316402014-01-29T00:41:00.001-08:002014-01-29T00:54:15.238-08:00There was no such thing as “Tweaked Hammers” or “Tight Groins” back in those days!! <br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Anyone
who is into their Football, and by football I mean Football, not ‘soccer’, will
know just how much</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">an inter</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">county footballer’s lifestyle has changed over the last 30 odd years<span style="color: red;">.</span> Nowadays it’s incredible really how much training
and time goes into preparing your body to last the pace of 70 minutes in
Croker, especially when Stephen </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Cluxton</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> is the man between the sticks,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">dictating the pace of the game with his short quick </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">kickouts,</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> “Ah for</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">jaysus</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">sake </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">cluxton</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">, will </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> fire one down the middle” says
a bolloxed tired imposing midfielder with 5 minutes left on the clock! </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Monday
could be a gym session, Tuesday field,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> -</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">during January/February this
tends to be the torture session “I’m telling</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">, if you don’t run the
200Meters in under 27 seconds you’re going again!!”, Wednesday gym again,
Thursday back out onto the field, Friday, maybe a rest if you’re lucky, and
then a game at the weekend. Repeat that cycle week in and week out, I’ll tell y</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI";">ou</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">that’s some</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">serious amount of washing for
the poor owl mammy’s!!” </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> “</span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Maaa</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">, I have a club game tonight,
where’s them shorts??” </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Then
on top of that schedule you have to watch every last thing you eat “feck sake
ma, I told you not to have sauce with my chicken, too bad for </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">, I have to get my body fat
down” or “By any chance do we have any green tea in the house?”… “GREEEENN TEA”
says the confused looking head on the father of a budding</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">intercounty</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">star/farmer!</span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Things
where somewhat different back when “men were men” and when there was no such
thing as a ‘tight hammer’ or a ‘tweaked groin’! </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Well
during the early 80s my</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">father was living in Ferguson Road<span style="color: red;">,</span> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Drumcondra</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Dublin 9, sharing a house with
Offaly legend and GAA great Matt Connor. During this time the faithful
supporters were living their</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">glory days and a lot of it was due to Matt’s raw talent between the
white lines. The auld lad often told me some great stories about Matt<span style="color: red;">.</span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">One story I found really</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">interesting was how Matt
trained outside of Eugene McGee’s well ran Offaly camp.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Dad would
be sitting on the couch having a cup of scald after work and Matt would come
down the stairs wearing an old pair of runners with an </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">O’Neills</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> in his hand, “Joe, I’m running
down to Na</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Fianna’s</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">pitch on</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Mobi</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Road</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">to do a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">few laps and</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> have </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">a kick around, any
chance you'd</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">follow me down in a half hour so I can take a few shots on </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">?” “No bother </span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Thresher (as he was
known), I’ll be down soon”. </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"></span></span><br />
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">So
off Matt would go running along the roads soloing with his left, then his right<span style="color: red;">,</span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">while jinxing in and out of the telephone poles along the
footpath! Dad never played football at a top level so he was amazed to see what
Matt could do with a ball in hand; the man was a pure genius. Dad often
described to me how Matt would place the ball on the edge of the either side
line, about 55 to 60 yards out and shout at my </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">aul</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> lad who would be gathering the
balls for Matt behind the goals “Right big Joe, left or right peg??</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Inside or outside the foot?”.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">“</span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Ahh</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI";">jaysus</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI";"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">whatever Matt, just hurry up</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ta fuck I’m</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">feckin</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">freezin</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">here. “Right so” says Matt, as
he’d swing the ball straight over the black spot with a flick of his left peg!!</span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">One
particular day, Matt asked my Dad to stand in the middle of the goal posts and
not to move left or right; “Stand dead still</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Joe”. While</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Matt was placing the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ball on the penalty spot, and
peeking</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">up, looking</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">at dad with deadly
concentration on his face, my</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">aul</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">lad was getting very paranoid
and felt a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">bit intimidated.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">“Matt I’m warning you, if you
kick the ball at my bollox or anywhere near it, I’ll give</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">you </span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB">a</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> kick in the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">arse!”.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">“Ha,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">I won’t horse, don’t worry, now
don’t move”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Matt
walked back about three steps, took one last look at his target, and “Bang”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">The
ball, according to my oul lad simply came at him with a spin and a bend, crashed
through a hole in the net that was no bigger than a dinner plate right behind
him. </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Dad
asked him, “Connor,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">aul</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">shnakke</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">! Were you trying to fucking
hit me or what!?” Matt replied, “No I had planned to put it between your legs
alright but when I noticed the hole in the net behind </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ya,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">I thought that would be a
better target.” </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">My auld man
didn’t realise at the time that he was kicking around with one of the greatest
players to have graced </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Croke</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> Park<span style="color: red;">.</span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Dad just thought of him as a
friend who “was a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">bit of craic and handy at the </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">oul</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> football”. </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">After
the ‘kick</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">abouts</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">’ they would call into the “Cat
& Cage”</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">on the way home for a few pints
of black<span style="color: red;">.</span> The diehard GAA oul lads at the bar would
often ask Matt plenty of questions;</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">“Will Offaly stop Kerry this</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">year Matt?”….</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">“They will Tommy, if they
supply me with enough</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">ball”.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">All this type of banter that goes on in all pubs around the
country. </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">There was
no such thing as Pilate’s classes, </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">bikram</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">yoga, top class diets,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">or any of that craic back then,
it was just training with your county two nights</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">during the week,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">a game at the weekend and make
a holy show of your friend down</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">on</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">the local GAA pitch</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">on the off days. </span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx51822835" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">It’s such
a pity that this naturally</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">gifted footballer met with a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">bad car</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">accident which ended his
football career</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">at 24 years of age, god knows what he would have went on to achieve
in the game. Well my</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">aul</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">lad for</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">one,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">was delighted to have had the
chance to run after many a ball that Matt curled over the black spot below</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">in the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Na</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Fianna</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Gaa</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">pitch on</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Mobhi</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB">Road.</span></span><span class="eopscx51822835"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-33202435308932030852014-01-20T10:31:00.002-08:002014-01-21T04:15:55.410-08:00The day I was introduced to the fastest field game in the world!!<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">When I was growing
up as a young lad, like most other chaps, I played every sport that came my
way. Football, hurling, soccer, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/" name="_GoBack"></a>golf.. You name it, no
such thing as ‘player burn out’ when you’re a fresh gosson!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">One day, not long
after my 10<sup>th</sup> birthday all the lads I hung around with were going to
sign for the local soccer club ‘Ashbourne United’. So I said I would ask my
father to sign the form and pay the joining fee for me. Now my auld man is from
a very rural part of Offaly, where it’s nothing but hurling and Football, a
place where let’s just say soccer is the forbidden fruit! I doubt half of his
local parish have even heard of Lionel Messi, proud GAA countrymen down that
neck of the woods, the way it should be in my own opinion. Ah sure I said I
would chance my arm anyhow and see what he’d said,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">“Daa, all the lads
are joining Ashbourne United soccer club, will you sign my form for me? I
reckon I’d be handy enough at it, the joining fee is £100!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">“Rory, there isn’t
a chance in hell a son of mine is playing a foreign sport, so don’t be annoying
me” as he stuck his head back into the latest edition of ‘Irelands own’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “ Da, pleaaase”..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “Rory I’d give you a bottle of whisky and 20
cigarettes before I will let you play soccer, go join the hurling like every
normal chap!”..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “Feck sake da!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">So that was the end
of me playing soccer for a few years anyway. I was at the time playing plenty
of football for Donaghmore/Ashbourne, we played every Saturday morning in the
North County Dublin League (Meath had nothing set up for that age group at the
time!) I loved it. So I decided to take
my aul man’s advice and give the small ball game a rattle. Now you must remember I’m from Meath, so
hurling was never that strong, especially during the late 90s when the Royal
county footballers were ever present in Croker during the latter end of the
Championship. Well myself and 2 of my buddies, whose fathers were big GAA men
as well, said we would head down to hurling training one evening with the u10s
to see what the craic was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">I remember it well,
it was a lovely summers evening, fresh cut grass, nettles all along the side of
the pitch just waiting in the long grass to pounce on a young lad who had over
hit a sliotar! When we got there we gave our names and were handed a hurl each
and told to spread out 40 yards apart and puck the ball to each other. This
seemed to come very natural to everyone around us but we were all typical young
townie chaps, who were used to playing soccer around by the shops, where the craic
was whoever had jumpers on their backs had to sacrifice them as goalposts! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">Well we were
finding the going very tough, at least two ‘fresh-airs’ before we even
connected with the sliotar and even when we did connect, god knows how far the
ball would travel, one could go off over a lad’s head and the other would skim
off the stick and go about 7 yards in front of you “a feck sake” as you walked
up to give it another whack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">This went on for a
while and then we were called into a huddle, our manager at the time – ‘Big
Pat’, was the biggest brut of a man you can imagine, he was from the heart of
Kilkenny, had a voice that would scare the bejesus out of you, he’d a pair of
hands on him like two big IKEA frying pans and has never been seen with a clean
pair of trousers on - RAW.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">“Right lads, we
have a few new boys joining the team today, Rory John and Eric, Welcome lads..”
At the time we would have been considered the ‘bold boys’ at school so a few
lads were a bit intimidated by us showing up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">Pat turns around
and says “right men, I need to find a goalie, who wants to play in goals!?”
..Of course nobody put their hand up – sure for the love of god who wanted to
be a goalie in hurling, only the maddest of the mad survive between the sticks
on a hurling pitch! “Ok so, I’ll do it my way” says Pat, so he picked out the 3
biggest lads in the group, I was one of them, “Right chaps, says he “We have to
find a goalie for this team so I need to test yee out” … “holy god what does he
mean by that” I says to myself, as I looked on with a dog shit of a hurl in my
hand and a Celtic jersey on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">So this lad called,
‘Mark’ was up first, standing there, big tall gangly gosson, with a pair of
Argos shin pads on and an old raggedy aul Wexford jersey on his back. Pat
stands about 15 yards out from goals with a Goalies shovel in his hand and 3
sliotars at his feet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “Right boys… I’ll hit three balls at ye each
and whoever saves the most is our goalie, it’s as simple as that!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “Holy mother of god, he can’t be serious” I
thought, as I stood in line already starting to regret beginning a hurling
career.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">So Pat flicked up
the first sliotar with his hurl and absolutely launches it at poor owl Mark,
Mark dived out of the way and Pat ate the head off him “ lord jayyyysus gosson,
you’re meant to save the ball not jump out of the way” he did the same with the
next two balls, “Right Mark, well it’s safe to say you won’t be our goalie,
stand aside there..” then up stepped Tommy, He did the exact same to Tommy.. “God
lads have we any goalies at all?? Did yee ever see Davy Fitz jump out of the
way of the ball? Never! Bunch of pansies I have here...” and we all 10 years of
age, with barely a hair on our legs!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">“Right, in goals
there with ya Rory.” I was shitting it altogether, I had bad asthma at the time
and could feel my chest tighten up with nerves, because here I was at my first
ever hurling training session and I was being asked to stand in front of a
beast of a man with a massive hurl in his hands and I was expected to save the
sliotar he was going to launch at my head!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">The first two balls
I managed to jump out of the way of, but I wasn’t so lucky with the last
Sliotar! I didn’t manage to dive out of the way quick enough and it caught me
right on my shinbone.. “Ahhh me fecking shin” as I dived onto the ground! Pat
stood there with a big grin on his Face and says “Right Young O’ Connor, you’ll
be the goalie so!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">After that mini
nightmare was over it got worse, Pat then had us paired off in groups of 4,
Pulling the shins off each other for the next 15 minutes while shouting at us,
“I’m telling yee men, this might be sore now but your legs will learn to get
used to wild pulls, so we’ll be more than ready when we come across a dirty
shower from north Meath!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">When that bit of
torture was over we spent the last 15 minutes trying to puck the ball over the
bar, every one of us absolutely bolloxed from pulling the shins off each other.
The session ended soon after that and we all gathered around the back of Pat’s
working van as he handed us a bottle of ‘score’ and a bag of ‘Tayto’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;"> “There ya go young chaps, great session, twill
be the same again next Tuesday evening”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE" style="font-size: 9pt;">I’ll tell you if
anyone was going to make men out of us it was Big Pat!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-30486210680587272592014-01-13T10:43:00.000-08:002014-01-13T10:43:14.390-08:00Rory’s Royal Roasting!!I have always been a very keen GAA man; it’s a huge part of my life. When I was a young lad, all I wanted to do was play for the Royal County in Croke Park. I grew up watching Big John McDermott in the middle of the field, he used to pluck balls out of the sky for fun and I always wanted to be him.<br />
<br />
<br />
Growing up I was always very big for my age, my manager from u10 to u14 had to bring a copy of my birth cert to most matches to prove to the ref and the other team’s manager that I wasn’t a “banger”.<br />
<br />
From u14 to pretty much minor football I had it all my own way. If I’m being honest, I was never a great footballer, I was the type of chap that once I’d won a ball I’d hear “Lay it off Rory, lay if off” from the side-line. I could though, catch most kick-outs because I was a foot bigger than anyone around me; I thought this was a ‘piece of piss’ and I was destined for Croker!<br />
<br />
<br />
Eventually though everyone around me began to naturally grow and I wasn’t as influential as my underage days. I still am an awkward whoor to have around the middle to ‘shake things up’!<br />
<br />
<br />
In 2008 I was midfield for the Meath u21 team; we got absolutely spanked by Kildare in Navan. I did though, have one of my better outings and was proud of my efforts after the game. In the showers after, like most GAA lads, we tried to forget about the game and spoke about the drinking session we were going to go on, “mon we hit Navan lads, drown the sorrows”. As we headed back into the changing rooms, Colm Coyle (Meath manager at the time) called me over and says “I want you to come in for a training match tomorrow morning with the seniors, you deserve a shot after that performance”.<br />
<br />
<br />
This was great news, but I was still mad for a few pints with the lads as it was my last year u21. So I said I would go for the famous ‘1 or 2’. Sure of course the craic was ninety and as the night went on I’d say to myself just to justify what I was doing “Sure even if I play a stormer tomorrow, I’m still not going to be on the championship panel so fuck it, I’ll arrive up and do my best”(a woeful attitude altogether). So I ended up getting locked and got a taxi back to Ashbourne about 4am, absolutely mouldy drunk!<br />
<br />
<br />
The next morning I woke up on my couch in an awful heap. I just heard my doorbell ring, the mother answered it, came into the back room and says “Cormac is at the door (Cormac was a fellow clubman on the Meath team at the time) “What does he want..” says I.. “You have a game don’t you??” .. “OH SHITTTE, I do”!!<br />
<br />
<br />
So I jumped in the car, still in the jeans and shirt from the night before “where’s your gear!?” asked one of the lads in the back seat, “awe boys I can’t play I’m in an awful way, I wouldn’t run up the stairs right now. I’ll just say one of the Skyrne lads were meant to pick it up for me and they forgot”. – Such a brutal excuse!<br />
<br />
<br />
So we got to the pitch, late of course, most of the panel were out on the field warming up. I’d got sick out the window on the way down to Navan so I was as white as a ghost getting out of the car. Tommy Dowd (Meath Legend, was a selector at the time) took one look at me and says in a pure thick Meath accent “You’re soooome cowboy O’ Connor” and burst out laughing.<br />
<br />
I strutted into the changing room, with the stamp from the nightclub clearly visible on my hand and stuttered my woeful excuse to a dead wise Colm Coyle. I thought being size 13 in boots that I would have been safe enough that nobody would have spare boots of that calibre, so I was thinking that I was going to be sitting in the dugout having the bit of craic during the game and let my hangover pass by comfortably.<br />
<br />
But no, just my luck up perked an excited Mark Ward (Meath Midfielder at the time) “jaysus Rory, I have a spare pair of 13s in my bag here, you can wear them!” he knowing well the state I was in – da bollix!<br />
<br />
“Ah jaysus thanks Wardy, you’re such a gentleman!!” I then got a pair of socks and size 34 shorts off another lad, I’m size 38 at best, so they were completely bet onto me! So off I headed out onto the pitch to join the warm up; looking like a chap they had dragged in off the street to make up the numbers. I was marking Nigel Crawford and I never got such a roasting in all my life, I was calling for kickouts and jumping about 10 minutes too early. The game was a complete disaster and an utter blur!!<br />
<br />
<br />
After the game as we were jogging from side-line to side-line to warm down, I had to pull up along the railings and put the fingers down the throat. Anthony Moyles, Meath captain at the time walked by with a look of utter disgust on his face, shook his head and pointed at me saying "that is what is wrong with Meath football right there". I was in such a heap down on my hunkers that I couldn't even feel ashamed; I just stuck the fingers back down the throat again to get the last of the Navan Supermacs out of my system.<br />
<br />
When I was eventually done getting sick, I didn’t even bother my hole having a shower; I just jumped into Cormac’s car, sat there dirty and freezing, waiting on the lads to come out so we could go home ta fack!<br />
<br />
<br />
To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too surprised that I didn’t get a call back to training the following Tuesday – nor play another game for the Royal county!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-67012274579692234932014-01-06T10:44:00.001-08:002014-01-06T10:44:16.218-08:00Sure tis no wonder it took me 3 attempts to pass my driving test…Everyone has been on family holidays down through the years, they are great, especially when your 10 and you just spend the two weeks jumping in and out of the pool, drinking gallons of coke, orange and 7up, while annoying the life out of your aul lad every second you get “ Da, watch me do this dive into the pool”.. “Da, will you play table tennis with me!?”.. “Da, will you buy me a ball for the pool!?”.<br />
<br />
<br />
Well in 1996 we jetted off to Santa Ponsa(wouldn’t be like us Irish to go their during the 90s) for a 2 week holiday. Myself, the mother, the Father and my older sister Carol. We were having a great holiday, sun was beaming every day, we had met plenty of sound folk around the pool to have the craic with and the entertainment at night was brilliant. One of the lads I palled around with at the pool had been to this top class park the day before, he said it was unreal, it had an arcade room full of the best of the best video games, it had a class big snooker area and it had GO KARTS!<br />
<br />
<br />
So for the next 3 days I plagued the aul man to bring me to this park, “ Daaaa pleaseee” .. “No Rory, go play in the pool their like a good chap and don’t be annoying me”.. Well I kept at it and at it until eventually he gave in.. “ok ok, I’ll bring you tomorrow, just give me peace for the rest of today. “yeoooww” I shouted as I did a big ’bomb’ into the pool and drowned half the people who were sun bathing, “ Jaysus Margaret, what was that!?” says one man who had the ear phones in and got a right drop of water on his forehead.<br />
<br />
<br />
So the next day myself and the father headed off to the park while the two women stayed by the pool and did what every woman loves to do – read books and try their very best to get a tan! The last thing I do remember my ma saying was “Joe, make sure he doesn’t get on anything to mad, you know what he’s like!!” and off we went.<br />
<br />
<br />
We got to the park after 20 minutes or so, I was uncontrollably excited. “Da, can I go on this, da, can we do that”.. “Settle down now Rory or we’ll go home” !!<br />
<br />
I went on a few different things in the park, was having a great day. I then asked can I go on the go-karts, at first he said “nooo way Rory, your far too young for them and your mother would kill me!” But like most fathers after minutes of pure harassing him, he eventually gave in. “Right ok, but just take er handy, these are fast!”<br />
<br />
<br />
So I put on my helmet and got aboard the go kart – now if you don’t know me, when I was a young lad, I was desperately overgrown for my age, awful big gosson, so the Spanish people running this Go-kart business, well I’d imagine they thought I was at least 16, so they didn’t bother explaining to much to me on how the motor worked, or the possible dangers!!<br />
<br />
<br />
The truth is folks, I was terrified deep down getting on the Go kart, but I didn’t want to let onto the father that I was a complete nervous wreck so I just went for it anyway. So there I was doing a couple of laps of the track at my own comfortable pace – about 9 miles an hour. I was getting lapped over and over again by the other people around me; I didn’t care though because I felt 10 feet tall. Then at one stage I just heard the aul man shout from the crowd “Mon Rory, give er a bit of welly…put the boot down Schumacher!!” and sure so I did, Well as god is my judge nothing could have prepared my poor father for what was about to happen!!<br />
<br />
<br />
As requested by the big man I put the boot to the floor, the car shot off and straight away I knew I was facked. With the size 11 loafers I had at the time didn’t my lanky toes get caught and I couldn’t slow down…”Ahhhh, daddddyyyy” and what happened, I completely bulldozed straight through the tires that outlined the track and was heading straight towards a gang of aul wans who were having their afternoon tea.<br />
<br />
As this Go Kart was heading towards the crowd of people my aul man was running behind me shouting “Holy god RORRRYYY, take your foot off the peddle” but sure I was in that much shock my body was frozen, luckily enough I had the small bit of cop on to turn the wheel away from the group of terrified women and crashed into a hape of tables and chairs where luckily nobody was sitting.<br />
<br />
<br />
The whole eating area came to a standstill, every single person gawking over at me upside down in the Go-kart which had a tire hanging out the back of it, about 4 chairs on top of me and smoke coming out of all angles!! Dad ran straight over to the cart to see if I was still alive, I was thank god, so he picked me up, me wearing my fake Man Utd jersey which I had bought off the dell boys down the beach the day before. He then brought me into get ‘doctored up’ by the parks first aid team. I was grand just a few scratches and that, luckily enough!<br />
<br />
<br />
So when we left the emergency area, the aul lad called me aside and said “now Rory, we can’t tell your mother about this because.. Well, I won’t be in her good books for a long time, put it that way”.<br />
<br />
I says, “ok Da” so he bought me an ice cream to calm my nerves. So there I was a few minutes later going around on a Ferris wheel, still shaking with fear, while eating my Cornetto Ice-cream and being surrounded by kids no older than 5.<br />
<br />
<br />
I think me and the aul man couldn't have been happier!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-29977748250017343062014-01-01T03:30:00.000-08:002014-01-01T03:54:39.632-08:00 Ah, The 1st of January…<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Right, come
on now folks, raise your hand if you are after waking up this morning hung over
to bits for the 19<sup>th</sup> time in the past 25 days!!? “a me fookin head”
!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">No doubt
your first thoughts were “awe god not again! That’s me, No more drinking or smoking
for at least 4 weeks.. I feel absolutely cat!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">And so like
the rest of the nation you will probably spend some part of today dragging your
weary body up to the bottle bank with a life supply of empty cans and bottles,
no doubt spill a bit of Bulmer’s on yourself while throwing them into the
container “fuck ya anyway Tommy not finishing your cans, ya nuisance!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">You’ll then
arrive back home, grab a black bag from the press and walk around the house
throwing everything and anything that’s nice to nibble on into it - the
Pringles, the box of foxes biscuits, the last few sweets in the tin of roses
and straight out to the wheelie bin the lot of them will go!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Awe sure
you will no doubt attack the fruit, that’s been sitting in the fruit bowl since
the first week of December, which by now has cobwebs on it and gone a dirty
brown colour. You will lorry them out into the bin as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">You’ll come
back into the house, sit down on the couch and say to yourself “my god I feel
crap and so unhealthy” around then you’ll probably pick up your laptop or
phone, log onto Google and search for the nearest gym to you for a years direct
debit membership, and pay big bucks for it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">My advice
to you would be DON’T BOTHER YOUR HOLE, because come mid February you will have
a pain in your bollix with the gym and be ragging with yourself for signing up
to a 1 years membership. So just go for a walk or run over the next week or so to
clear the body and mind, consider the gym membership in mid January when all the
demons have left the system.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Awe for
sure January is a rotten aul month, no doubt about it, but once these few weeks
are over and we run into February we can start to get the ball rolling again and
enjoy the better things in life. So until then, sit back, relax, light the fire
and recharge the batteries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">All the
best for 2014, please keep sharing the page for me and stay tuned for some
seriousssss craic !!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-14868078868806442912013-12-25T02:14:00.001-08:002013-12-25T02:16:12.877-08:00Being a wee pup and spoiling Christmas morning<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">We all have stories to tell about fond childhood memories of Christmas
morning. That sheer joy when you burst open the sitting room door to see toys
everywhere and anywhere, your stocking bulging by the fire place, unreal
feeling. Well when I was a chap I had chronic bad asthma, So many a time I took
a shocking bad asthma attack on Christmas morning with the pure excitement, I’ve
often spend half of Christmas morning wedged to the nebulizer before I could
even play with my toys. Sitting there in the vest and briefs, red as a tomato and
the chest rattling like a useless lawnmower!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Well this one Christmas morning I acted the bollix something shocking,
here’s my story..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">One year when I was about 6 or 7, like most gossons that age I was in my
prime for old Saint Nick, I could not wait for Christmas morning to come around.
I use to hounnddd the aul lad every day in December “daaaa, would ya say the
elf’s have my toys built by now??”.. “not yet Rory, you have to keep being good
right up to Christmas day, or they will stop building yours and move onto the
good boys and girls toys, don’t you understand!!?”. “Ok dad!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Well this one year I had requested the ‘Sega mega drive’ (serious
computer altogether!) from the big red giant. Christmas Eve finally came around
and I was wired, not only could I not sleep that night but I was actually
sitting up in my bed rattling with excitement, not a hope of me sleeping!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">As every minute crept by of every hour I’d sneak into my big sisters
room pleading with her to come downstairs with me to see if Santa had arrived “Carolllllll,
will you come downstairs with me and see if Santa came!!?” “NO Rory, go back to
bed.”(It was only later in life I understood why she didn’t want to rush down
the stairs in hope of getting a glimpse of Rudolph and the lads).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: -36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> It came to 4am and I couldn’t take it anymore,
“I’m going for it” I thought to myself. So I crawled through the hall, took
each step as quiet as I could and headed down to paradise. As I opened my
sitting room door, there were presents everywhere, one side of the room had a
pile of presents and a note on top ‘Rory’ and the other side had a note
‘Carol’. I started to rip all mine open like a mad man. Then eventually the
moment of truth came, I found my Sega “yeowww ya rooster”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I had finished opening up all my presents in no time, I then glanced
over at my sister’s pile, while thinking to myself “sure she doesn’t care about
Santa or her present’s ill open wann, she won’t mind!!” Suddenly, one turned in
to every jaysusin present. I then ran upstairs, clearly full of adrenaline,
shook the living life out of her in the bed and in about 47 seconds I had told
her every last detail of what she had got from Santa, from her ‘dream phone’ (the
most wanted present by the lassies at the time, a huge surprise that she wasn’t
expecting to get!!) all the way down to the spice girls pencil case, every last
detail!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">As you can imagine this didn’t go down to well,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I suppose it was about 4.17am and she let an unmerciful yelp from her bedroom,
a kind of yelp that would wake a corpse.. “dadddddyyyy, Rory opened all my
presents from Santy and told me what I got” as she balled her eyes out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I could hear my aul man rattling the house getting out of the scratcher.
I ran into my room and hid under the covers. He first calmed my sister down and
then ordered me out to the hall to explain myself, “Rory come out here now..
Rory come out, come on” I eventually came out from my bedroom like a mouse peeping
out at a lump of cheese on a trap, “Well Rory, what have to you say for
yourself!!?” Says the aul lad, (standing in the hall in his finest dressing
gown). “Well go on, explain!??”, so I stood there twiddling my fingers and toes
and said in a very soft voice “I’m sorry da, but ya see I met Santa downstairs
and he said because I was such a good boy this year I could open a few of
Carols presents as well as mine, not my fault!!!”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The father just stood there, as you can imagine he was fairly taken back
by this pure genius of a comeback, in fairness he only really had one option
and that was to accept this comeback, or else he was going to have to tell me the truth about the greatest lie in
the history of childhood. So no doubt he just stood there and thought to
himself “such a comeback, ya little bollix ya !!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">By god I fluked that one!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Happy Christmas folks, enjoy the day, and go handy on the poor owl
turkey!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-30030699826239841792013-12-22T03:02:00.001-08:002013-12-22T03:51:29.244-08:00The Average Joe’s '12 pubs of Christmas'<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
The 12 pubs of
Christmas.. huh!!??.. What an outrageous genius Big Darcy from Clonakilty must
of been to come up with this idea, savage excuse altogether to get a gang of
your best pals gathered up and hit the biggest town closest to you and go on
the pure rip. My memory of the day is carnage from start to finish. Often 10,20
even up to 30 lunatics would head off into town dressed in Christmas jumpers of
all sorts. I can guarantee you one thing, the full panel won’t arrive home, not a chance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
How the day of
pure and utter craic starts is heading down the local with a gang of your best
mates dressed up like absolute cabbages each one of you as mad as the other, in
great form. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
“Well Damo, you
doing the 12 pubs!!?, ..”I am lad, can’t wait, gona be class!”.. “awe stop,
messy” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
You have the
quick one in the local “Large bottle their please” then you’ll hop on the bus
into “wreck baggot street!!” or whatever town is unlucky enough to host the
gathering.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
First pub is quite
enough, quick pint then gone, 2nd 3rd and 4th pretty much the same, but... by
the 5th lads are getting giddy, it’s around then one of the gargle guzzler’s
shouts “herre bhoysss, last one to neck there pint does a shot..” the harmless
chap of the group - who barley drinks, but promise’s all year he will do the 12
pubs at Christmas to keep us off his case, this lad always gets stuck with the
shot and then by the 7th pub this poor unfortunate wobbles out the door, asks
someone for a “spare fag”, then staggers up the road, reefs the phone out of
his jeans pocket and rings either one of his best college mates or his close
cousin from down the country “Just did the 12 pubs ladd, unrealll craic –
course I lasted the 12, sure I’m heading up to coppers now with all the bhoys,
some women about the place” .</div>
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By now the gang
are in the 8<sup>th</sup> pub, even the “Decent drinkers” are getting googly
eyed at this stage, one of the gang who doesn't smoke, hates fags usually, gets
cocky and has a smoke outside this pub, inhale’s the john player into him,
barley coming up for air, then all of a sudden the nicotine gets a grip of him.
He waddles into the jacks, stares in the mirror and says to himself “be the
lord jaysus, I amm taaawisted” leaves the toilet, shoulders some lad on the way
out “Ya alright Keith?? ”.. “I’m grand, just making a call be back in a minute”
and sure of course is no were to be seen for the rest of the night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
By this stage
the gang are at the 9th pub, the shits slowly starting to hit the fan now. This
is usually the pub were the “mess” of the gang gets caught by the bouncer
letting loose into the sink instead of the pisspot.. “Right, OUTTT!!!” So
that’s the 9<sup>th</sup> pub written off.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
So as you head
to number 10, around now 6 or 7 of the more sensible ones, I’d like to call
them the “better drinkers” would say “Lads, Gerry, Marty and Tony are in an
awful<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3768831591896432381" name="_GoBack"></a> bundle, I reckon we leave them and leg it to a
different pub!!.” GONE.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
So then poor
aul Tony,Marty and Gerry are left
floating around the chipper, bolloxed drunk. Poor Gerry’s in a bad way spilling
his heart out to the two lads “Did I ever tell you that yis are my best mate’s
lads, I’m telling you, yis are, I love yas” Then good aul Gerry sticks the
head back into the donor kebab for round two.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
Then Tony pipe’s
up “Lads, towns a kip.. I’m getting a taxi home we have a few in Kelly’s, bita
craic.. “ .Marty agrees and eventually with half a kebab on his face so does
Gerry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
So while the 3
stooges are half way home in the taxi, the rest of the gang are split up all around
temple bar one by one getting fecked out of each pub till one lad says “foookkkk Dublin…,I’m getting a taxi home..”
usually around 2 or 3 agree with him bail into a taxi and hit the road.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
It’s now 1am
and the 3 or 4 pure die hard drinkers of the gang are out of the game. One by
one they find there way back to there hometown after been with women in disabled
jacks, after been in rows and after puking all over themselves at the side of
burger king. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
Everyone of you
wake up the next morning and first thing you say to yourself is</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
“ God Christ i am dying, thankkk
fackkk that session only happens once a year” !!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 5.0pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 5.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
Well folks, that is give er take, “The average Joe's 12 pubs of Christmas”</div>
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-14566355142263853432013-12-20T07:01:00.000-08:002013-12-20T07:01:26.431-08:00“A lorry load of porter leads to an overflow of water”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">Everyone knows that
person who is a “disaster of a chap”, the type of lad who attracts unfortunate
situations without even trying - ‘God that lad is an awful clutz’. Well, I’m
certainly related to this breed of people. Whatever can go wrong, will and does
go wrong when I’m in town. I’m the type of man that if I was to back the whole
field in a 4 horse race, on the flat, the 4 horses would somehow manage to fall,
or else plough into the railings either side of them, that kind of a chap. A
pure “Jinx” one might say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">This short story I’m
about to tell you confirms this fact. The Irish must have come up with the auld
saying “Murphy’s Law” when they heard I was entering this world!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">Back in the summer of 2008,
we were getting an extension done to the family home. Plenty of hard graft went
into this, as is the case with all extensions. Ours was coming along well, the
blocks were laid to perfection, the roof was spot on and the plumber (a good friend
of mine) had a lot of his work done; the place was starting to take real shape.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">One Thursday night, after
playing a championship match with my beloved club, Donaghmore/Ashbourne, we all
went back to the clubhouse for “a few pints” – standard enough. Before my aul
lad left the club that night the last thing he said to me was “now Rory, you
have work tomorrow, I’ll say no more!” Then he headed towards the exit, turned
back and says “o and, have u got a key!?” I replied “I do big joeseyyy!” and he
headed home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">Like most nights in
the club the craic was had, the die hard clubmen at the bar dissecting your
every move on the pitch. “Why didn’t you catch that ball?? ... Why didn’t you
fist that over the bar?? ... Why didn’t you lay it off to Davey?? Sure jaysus
he was straight in front of goal!!” - The usual craic that goes on in every GAA
club the length and breadth of the country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">Well after a good
stack of fine porter I eventually said enough is enough “Right lads I’m heading
home, have work tomorrow”(as if one more pint at 3am would make any difference
to the head of me the next morning.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">As I wandered home in the
early hours, with my gear bag in one hand and a rotten Benson and Hedges fag in
the other, belting out ballads to myself on the way up to the house, I got to
the front door and lo and behold I didn’t have a sniff of a key in my pocket -
“bollix”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">I says to myself “If I
knock on this door big Joe is going to kill me!” so as I was standing there
scratching my head, trying to think a way around not having to wake up the
mother and father, I looked over at the window of the extension and says “sure
I’ll jump through the window and in through the garage door, be grand”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">You must remember now
that I was after playing a champ match so the legs were banjoed, not to mention
the 12 pints I inhaled since the game. So let’s just say I wasn’t in the
greatest nick to be doing missions through a semi building site.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">So with a great deal
of struggle I eventually got through the window, but as I was walking along the
joists, I wobbled for a second, lost my balance and with the gallon of porter I
had on board I had no hope of staying on my feet “hup be da jaysus” I slipped
in between the shagging things and hit the ground like a sack of spuds “a me
fucking ankle” nearly made shite of myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">I pulled myself up,
limped up to the old garage door, hit the garage door a woeful attempt of a
shoulder, burst the door wide open and fell straight onto my hands and knees. I
then staggered up off the ground, left the door wide open and straight up to bed
with me. The mother does the shopping of a Friday so there was no hope of a few
sambos before I hit the cot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">The next morning I
woke to my phone going mental vibrating on my bedside locker, “Ahh shut up ta
fuck will ya, stupid alarm”. As I was lying in bed in an awful heap, dreading
getting up for work, didn’t I hear the auld man flush the toilet, let out a sneaky
fart in the hall and head down the stairs for morning tae.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">Then all I heard in a
mild Offaly accent was “WHATTTT daaa faccckkk!!” The mother ran down straight
away in shock, then I just heard “Rory get yourself down here now”... “O no,
what did I do now, don’t tell me we’ve been robbed!??” were my thoughts. So I
dragged my stiff and hungover frame out of bed, crept down the stairs terrified
to what my eyes were about to witness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">O holy mother of sweet
divine jaysus. Wasn’t the whole kitchen FLOODED!! I must have burst a pipe when
I slipped through the joists the night before, and fecking water had come in
through the old garage door that I’d left open out of pure drunkenness. Now I
mean the kitchen was a swamp, this was the last thing I needed with a dreadful
hangover and having to face a day’s work! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">“Awe dear lord da, I’m
so sorry. I’ll ring Martin (the plumber) straight away and have this sorted in
no time”. He gave me a look that would kill, then he turned to my poor mother,
who god love her was flat out tearing pages out of the Meath Chronicle to try
soak up some of the water, and says “I need a cigarette”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">He then brushed me out
of his way and headed out the back garden to gather his thoughts.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">There was absolutely no
way I was giving him the opportunity to come back into the house and land me
with a well-deserved solid right hook, So before he came back in like a loose
bull, I grabbed my coat, slipped on my shoes, gave mammy my apologies and scampered
out the door to work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-IE;">I’ll tell you that one
morning I was never as happy to leave a warm house and head off to work hungover!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-84654173536080516152013-12-13T08:19:00.000-08:002013-12-13T08:25:04.103-08:00DECEMBER: In the minds of the Irish!!<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Us Irish (The drinkers amongst us anyway!), we really are unique. For
instance; everything big or small that happens to us in life, we turn to ‘the
drink’. Someone gets married, someone dies, you pass an exam, you fail an exam,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">a loved one leaves Ireland, a
loved one returns to Ireland,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">a win or a loss in a sporting event, a </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">birthday, a christening</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB">. </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Any auld excuse and somebody
in the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">huddle</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">suggests “a sure we’ll go for</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">a few</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">pints” and off we go. What
really typifies our mind-set is the shenanigans that occurs in the month of
December. </span></span><span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">December,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">jaysus</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">it’s a mad</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">aul’</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">month</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">isn’t</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">it!? It really is</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">an amazing time of the year for a lot of reasons. The people you care
about arrive home from every corner of the world. From</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Sydney, Perth, London, Canada,
New York </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">and</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Dubai, to put the feet up,
have a hot whiskey and just chat about everything and anything; “Told ya the
Dubs would win Sam, Da!” Although let’s be honest we</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">do tend to spend a lot of this
time down in the local</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">skulling</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">pints and telling</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">tales of the year gone by, which in fairness is what makes us Irish
so unique. </span></span><span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Now, don't</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">get me wrong, there is the sensible</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">crowd amongst us. Those who
avoid the hangovers, the fear and the mistakes; the clever group one might say!
Then there is the breed of us who enjoy the pints and craic like there is no
tomorrow. We mad eggs would generally</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">spend 2</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">or</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">3</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">days of each week</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">in December on the beer.
Now I mean flat to the mat on the beer,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">some of us could go four days
if you’re a proper Shane McGowan, in great form pissed drunk having the time of
your life. </span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB">We
fill our December days soaking up every last bit of craic thinking </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">everything</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">is</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">pure gravy,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">saying to yourself</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">"</span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Jaysus</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">ya cant bate Christmas, I love
the pints,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">sure this is mighty craic, God</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">your man</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">is sound,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">your wan is sound, I love
life”. </span></span><span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Drinking
the poor head off yourself, using any auld excuse to go for pints.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">“Did ya
hear Ciaran’s home from Oz!?”…“You’re messing!!?”… “Nope, the mad man said
nothing to no one, just arrived in from Perth this morning, nearly gave poor
auld Betty a heart-attack, I’ll tell ya something, he’s in great shape from
working on the sites, big brown shiny head on him and all”… “no wayyyyyy, a
sure we’ll have to hit town so, haven’t seen Ciaran in years!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Then
there is the days around Christmas when you have absolutely no reason on earth
to drink porter, one of the gang will say “ah feck this lads, it’s Christmas,
I’m going down to Dicey’s for a scoop, sure I’m off it for good in January!”
This craic would last for usually the 3 days till your body hits a wall “nah
lads I’m in an awful heap, Die hard 2 is on da box tonight, so I’m staying low,
get an auld Domino’s, recharge the batteries for Stephen’s day!”.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Unfortunately though</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB">,</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"> everything that goes up must come down. You spend</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">the next 3 days fairly</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">feckin</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">depressed</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">sitting on the couch bored
senseless scratching you’re arse. Not only that but you’ll be rooting through
the box of Celebrations and sure of course the day you’re having there will
only be</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">poxy</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">aul</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">squashed</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">bounty’s left in the shagging
tin ‘a for jaysus sake Maaa, who ate all the sweets!!?’. Around then your
mind will have a chat with you in the lines of ”I</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">really am</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">a useless</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">whoor</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">, Ireland's</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">facked</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">I</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">need to sort my life out and
cop on,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">I’ve no money, that drink is
no good for me!".</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">What normally gets you through this down time is knowing that Kevin
from</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Killbeggan</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">is in the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">same boat as yourself - pure
raging with the carry-on of himself over the past few days,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">as is Liam from</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Letterkenny</span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">, Bobby from</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Ballymun</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">and Big Tim from Tullamore.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="spellingerrorscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Ahh</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">but ya see folks, then there
is</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">the one day smack bang</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">in</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">the middle of</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">this hectic schedule when
you’re</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">in a solid state of mind with
no drink in the system,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">saying</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">to yourself in an upbeat manner</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">"ahh</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">sure feck it, I'm an ordinary
man, I'll drive on with life in the new year and</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">hopefully</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">get a bit of luck down the
road, I’ll be grand, sure there’s plenty like me".</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">On that very same day,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">sometime in the afternoon
while you’re half way through watching Ghostbusters you’ll</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">get the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">famous</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">"goo"</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">for a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">few</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">pints and a</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">bit of craic</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">with the lads, so you
slip on the drinking boots and off out the door with you! “Mon, ya right Bosco,
we go for a few pints, sure it’s Christmas!”.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Well,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">personally</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">I'm happy with this hectic</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> up and down </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">routine for the festive season.</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">So be sure to</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">realise when you do come
across the last mangled bounty in the tin of celebrations while you’re flicking
through the channels to find nothing but pure scutter on the box and you feel
that nothing is going right, that</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">there are plenty more</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">in the same boat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">So all I’ll say is</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">just</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">beat off the demons during the sober days,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">because the absolute craic you
will have with friends and relations during those 2 or 3</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">days of the week inhaling
porter is what</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Christmas</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">is all about.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Role on the craic,</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">the</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span class="normaltextrunscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">singsongs, the heart to hearts
and the memories!!</span></span><span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB">Happy
Christmas Everyone!</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="paragraphscx190591284" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="eopscx190591284"><span lang="EN-GB"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Segoe UI","sans-serif"; font-size: 6pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-31815923664275446212013-12-06T08:35:00.002-08:002013-12-06T08:49:40.864-08:00 “Everyone’s a winner at Rory’s Christmas Party Raffle!!?”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A few
years back I worked for an insurance company, I won’t tell you which one, but
put it this way the owner was a very wealthy man and isn’t so wealthy now, I’ll
let you work it out for yourselves . I must say though, he was a decent auld
skin anytime I chatted to him.</span></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, for
years this company had the absolute dogs bollix of Christmas parties: no holds
barred stuff - free bar, free hotel room, slap up meal, the works. As the
recession kicked in everyone on our island had to tighten their belts, so like
all Christmas parties, ours had to be scaled back quite a bit. So this one year
instead of a free bar we were promised 5 drink vouchers each, which isn’t so
bad. 5 pints of porter would have most men nice ‘n smiley and mad for more!!! <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well the
Friday of the Christmas party we were all in great form in the office, tins a
roses everywhere, loads of boxes of pringles and good aul Mr. McGowan blasting
out “Fairytale of new York” on the radio. Great banter.</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So as I
sat at my desk literally buzzing for DRINK, I spotted one of the ‘big guns’ in
the company drop a load of envelopes on my boss’ desk - “lovely, they must be
the drink vouchers” I says to myself as I was getting awful giddy. So as the
boss walked around the office handing them out I got mine, opened it up and I’m
not joking you they were ‘raffle tickets’ with a dreadfully worn down stamp on
the back of them, no fancy printing or a date on them, nothing, they were just
raffle tickets, the same raffle tickets you’d buy down below at your local
wheel of fortune.</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought
to myself “sure jaysus this has be some sort of a joke, sure anyone could just
go to a pound shop, buy a booklet of these and drink themselves into an early grave!”
And just like that, the hamster in my head got a 2<sup>nd</sup> wind and began
to pelt full blast on the treadmill, at this stage my poor aul mind was running
at a 100MPH. So I rang a mate of mine (another cowboy) to see if his hamster
was going full throttle as well and sure jaysus of course it was. So after
work, we headed to the pound store got two booklets of tickets and off to the
party with us.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We
arrived to the hotel a short time later, got the boring crap out of the way:
the check in, sussing out the room, throwing the shower bag on the bed etc.
Then it was straight down to the bar for a few scoops to wet the tongue. We
both agreed we wouldn’t tell a soul about our idea; it was our own little plan.
So later that evening, we all got togged out in our formal wear, at this stage
the drink vouchers were being accepted at the bar, so we said now was the time
to 'tempt our fate'. Being the cowboys we are we gave another lad our tickets
(which had no stamp on them) to go ‘test the water’. “Here Johnny, take my
tickets there to get us a round in, I’ve a few extra”.</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So off went Johnny up to the bar, ordered 3
fine pints of stout, she took 3 vouchers off him, didn’t bat an eyelid at the
back of the voucher to see if there was a stamp on them, she just handed him
the pints and moved on to the next thirsty customer. As our little guinea pig
was heading back towards us with 3 creamy pints, myself and my buddy looked at
each other “We’re made lad, let’s go nuts!!”</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So as we
floored the pints into us we started to get cocky and confident, each time we
were out in the smoking area we would hand out tickets to people “here, I’m
good mates with the gaffer, he gave me a few extra vouchers, have a few of
mine” as you can imagine this went down very very well with our colleagues,
people thought we were the boss, the pimp, the bhoyyss whatever else you wana
call us. I myself stood there with a JD in one hand a bummed cigarette in
the other and handed out the vouchers to one and all like I was Tony facking Soprano.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Everyone
was in serious form, it was one of the best nights I’ve ever. Then, come about
3 a.m., I staggered up to the bar, ordered 2 vodkas with a dash of blackcurrant
(it was all my stomach could handle at that stage!) and as I was doing all
night I handed the bar lady my 67<sup>th</sup> drink voucher. She replies “we
don’t accept drink vouchers anymore” .. “huh, and why is that” I muttered, in
an awful drunken state “I’ll tell ya why”.. she turned her body 180
degrees and says “just look over there at the till”, so I looked over to the
till, struggling to see it mind you, and I’m not joking you there must have been
10,000 tickets all over the shop, in the till, on top of the till, under the
till, on the floor, in the booklets, they were facking everywhere.… “Someone
was acting the bollix with the drink vouchers, so we only accept cash now” says
she. “Jayyyysus the cute whoors huh”.. I says to her. Handed her a tenner and
staggered back my table.</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I then
caught my partner in crimes attention, who was on the dance floor in flying
form going mental to “summer of 69”. When he eventually staggered in my
direction I says to him “look out at that dance floor pal”. The place was
absolutely on wheels, hopping so it was; everyone was in the form of their lives.
I picked up my drinks handed my buddy one and I made a toast “you can go to
college for 16 years, you can memorise every page of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>encyclopaedias but if you don’t think outside
the box the odd time and have a bit of devilment in you, you’ll go nowhere in
this cruel world. Cheers lad and happy Christmas”</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-46937008297401716802013-11-29T08:24:00.000-08:002013-11-29T08:29:45.802-08:00“Another good reason not to buy Penny’s boxers..”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s safe to say I’m not the most intelligent
genius walking this earth. I’m man enough to admit that, but I’m 100% certain
that I’m not the only Irish man that has battled with himself to give up ‘the drink’
on one or two occasions…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well,
after this particular incident I was very close to giving it up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">One night I was out in Blanchardstown with the
other half and the craic was ninety. I’d an awful feed of porter and was baloobas
as I staggered home to the girlfriend’s house. Emma made the toasties, we
talked shite for an hour and hit the hay; a routine enough night out. I woke up
the next morning bolloxed and got the usual hangover first thoughts,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Ahh no I’m dying, the pure hassle of this for
the day; poxy drink!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I then dragged myself out of the bed had a
quick piddle and headed down to the kitchen where Emma’s mother was frying the
rashers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I walked into the kitchen where Emma, her
sister and her parents were sitting. As soon as I entered the room the
conversation stopped. The four of them looked at me and began to snigger. Oh
Fuck, what’d I done now?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally Emma’s sister piped up and broke the
silence.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I tell ya, I’m glad it wasn’t my bed you got
into!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Whaaaa??” I shouted, in shock.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They all burst out laughing. “What the fack is
going on here??? I thought to myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Ehh do you not remember last night!!?” says
Emma, with a big grin on her face.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Awe sweet Jesus what did I do?” I knew well
that with a bellyful of porter I was capable of anything.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You were sleep walking and tried to get into
bed beside my ma and da!!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“WHATTT??” I say’s, clearly praying the ground
would gobble me up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Yea!” says Emma’s mother.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I woke up in the middle of the night and you
were sitting at the end of our bed in your boxers, half asleep.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then her father says, “yea and I asked you
were you ok and you replied ‘ah yea not too bad thanks’ and you fell back
asleep”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Holy fucking jaysus,” I say’s under my breath.
“God I’m so sorry, I must have been sleep walking!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then Emma comes out with, “Yea mam had to
guide you back into the spare room, you were trying to sing a song aswell.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">CHRIST!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, I was only going out with Emma about 6
months at the time, so you can only imagine how unnaturally awkward this
situation was. So I sat there nibbling on the toast trying to digest this
disaster of a situation; wishing the bus home was in 5 minutes and not 2 hours.
I felt I had to gather my thoughts so I said I was “just going to the toilet for
a minute”. I went upstairs sat on the jacks and thought to myself, “seriously,
what kind of a fucking egit are you Rory!!?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then my worse fear was released. I looked down
below and didn’t I have them cheap fecking aul Penny’s boxers on me; the ones
with the stupid buttons that never stay shut. Any honest man will tell you that
whether you like it or not, your wee solider always comes out to say hello when
you have them useless boxers on. “This is an absolute disaster,” I
thought. So here I was sitting on the toilet bowl in a complete state of fear
with the family below probably advising Emma that I’m not well in the head and
to leave me well enough in Ashbourne. I pulled myself together headed back down
stairs while contemplating running out the door, walked back into the kitchen, sat down at the dinner table and just tried to ignore what had just happened.</span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Well so what yis reckon, will the rain stay
off for the match in croker later!!?” I say’s. As expected I didn’t get much of
reply. Then came the final nail in the coffin. Out of nowhere Emma’s mother
shouts over to me in a sneering voice, <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Do you want the last sausage Rory!!?” (Me
knowing well there were no sausages in the pan, just Galtee’s finest rashers
and a few bits of white pudding!) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Sorry what was that Mary!?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They all just burst out laughing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Lovely hurling, so yet again the cheap useless
Penny’s boxers obviously had let me down, so I just had to sit there sup on my
tae and take any slagging that was coming my way…. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">That’s certainly one time I was very close to
knocking the beer on the head!!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-90428779163062141372013-11-22T08:43:00.000-08:002013-11-22T10:04:21.707-08:00"Home and Away” but never too far away from home..<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">A few years ago, like most Irish people
nowadays; myself and the missus headed off to OZ to see what all the fuss was
about. We settled in Sydney and travelled around from there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">One day we were both off work and
said we’d do something together. Now like most Irish lads, a day out sight
seeing doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest; bores the hole off me to be
honest. We had a row over a few ideas before picking a winner. Both of us are huge
“Home and Away” fans, so we said we’d head to “<st1:city w:st="on">Palm Beach</st1:city>”
(<st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Summer</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Bay</st1:placetype></st1:place>) for a nice day trip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">We hopped on the bus and headed
down. Emma being an organized woman packed a few things. Me on the other hand,
being the big lug that I am; brought myself, my wallet, a Meath jersey (typical
gobshite wanting to tell the world I’m Irish), a pair of shorts and a hat to
prevent my baldy head from getting scalded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">We touched down after an hour or so
of travelling. We were having a great day, jaysus it’s a grand spot I must say.
We said we would go for a walk along the beach before we got a bit of grub. It
was a nice sunny day, not much of a breeze; perfect stuff. We strolled along
the shore as the water lapped around our legs. Very relaxing altogether! Then
out of nowhere didn’t a whore of a wave, catch me off balance. Being the
awkward ogar that I am, I wobbled and eventually landed on my arse; absolutely soaked
with a mouthful of pissy, salty water to beat… LOVELY.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">As the time passed I eventually dried
off and with the crack of my arse smothered in sand, we said we’d get the
spuds. The food was class. I went for the causal lunch; BLT and chips; you
can’t bait it. As I went to pay I reached into the pocket and there was NOTHING
to be found. The alarm bells began!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-indent: -36pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Emma, ehhh, do you have the wallet!!?”
I says to her in an awful worried tone(known well I'd left the house with it!).</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-indent: -36pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“NO, sure you had it!” she replies and
just like that we made eye contact and both thought, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">‘Ahh ballix!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The fucking salty water must have
gobbled up my purse (which contained a couple of hundred dollars, my safe pass
for the sites and my monthly bus pass in it). NIGHTMARE!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-indent: -36pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-indent: -36pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, bullshitting the waitress to
tell her we were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘just popping out to the
ATM machine to get cash and would be back in a minute’</i> was handy enough (I’m
not proud of it but sure what else could I say), the big problem was the fact that
we only had one hape of dirt of a phone with us that typically had just run out
of credit! How the fack were we going to get home!!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Basically I was just going to have
to talk to the bus driver and explain what had happened and hope he was a
decent skin and let us on. This would be like a man from <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">India</st1:place></st1:country-region> stepping
on a Bus Éireann coach in Mullingar and trying to get a free journey to Termonfeckin.
My work was cut out for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Anyways, we were sitting at the stop
for ages, sun beaming down on top of us, waiting for a poxy bus to come. Both
of us, as you can imagine getting very, very pissed off with the situation, and
of course I was getting constantly bollocked out of it by the missus for losing
the wallet, as if I took the shaggin thing out of my pocket an threw it into
the ocean for the pure craic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">“JESUS CHRISSTTT woman it was a fucking
accident and if you keep at it, I’ll speak for myself when this bus arrives and
you can make your own way home!!” her giving out soon calmed down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">So the bus eventually arrived -. Now
picture in your heads this scenario; I stepped up onto the packed bus togged
out in a Meath jersey, had a pair of horrible aul <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pennys</i> shorts and a dorky <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Titleist</i>
hat that I’d robbed on the aul lad before I’d left home. If that wasn’t bad
enough, I had the cheapest most worn down pair of flip flops you can imagine on
my feet. They were size 12, I’m size 14 so my big infected toes were sticking
out over the edge. I looked a right three quarter <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-outline-level: 1; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I just took one deep breath
and said…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">“Well how’s things, listen I’m from <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ireland</st1:place></st1:country-region> and I
came down here because I’m a huge fan of “Home and Away” so I wanted to have a
look at summer bay beach. We ended up going for a walk along the beach and
didn’t a wave hit me, knocked me over and robbed my wallet! Can myself and my
girlfriend please get on for free!!??”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I just stood there with a pure
browned-off head on me, not knowing what he was going to say or do. He looked
me up-and-down and began to laugh his head off and says in a fine cork accent,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">“Ha not a bother booiiiieee, hop on
there!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">We really are taking</span> over down
under!!!</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-54753562967764434112013-11-15T07:48:00.000-08:002013-11-16T04:09:46.240-08:00“Paint disaster – nothing like a summer job”<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">One summer
I got work with a local painter. Now to say I’m useless with my hands would be
an understatement – I wouldn't catch a balloon if it was floating down on top
of me in a portaloo! So even though this painter was only paying me €40 a day
from 7.30-6 bells, he was the one getting a raw deal!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Anyways,
one Friday afternoon we were finishing a job on a fine big house out in the
countryside. I’d say the job was worth a fortune. So, like with all Friday
afternoons, we were all in great form; slagging, chatting about football &
women, the usual banter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Now this
house we painted in a beautiful cream colour. It looked very well. My job was
to finish off the window sills with <b>jet black paint</b> to really give the cream an
extra kick. I must say, I did a grand job (for once). All the window sills were
done to perfection and looking snazzy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">As I
finally finished the last one, I shouted to the boss who was around the corner,
“Right Pat, that’s me, all them are done for ya?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Good man
Rory, just wash the paint brushes out and we’ll call it a day,” he replied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ahhhh nice
one!” says I as I skipped around the corner in great form. To clean the brushes
I was, as the budding painters amongst you will know, soaking them with water
and then shaking the paint off them into the grass. I flew through them and my
mind began to wander... What divilment would I get up to this weekend?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-IE"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">As I
finished the last brush I turned around and stopped dead, like a deer in
headlights. Jesus, I nearly died with shock. Wasn't the whole jaysusin’ good
cream gable end wall positively covered in black dots; every fucking corner of
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ahhh
nooooooo!” I says.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">Being the
genius that I am, didn't I take off my old jumper (which was covered in every
colour of paint under the sun) and try to rub off the paint. I’ll let you
imagine what kind of state I left the wall in. Then, when I realised I was
banjoed, I just heard, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ya right
Rory!!?. We’ll hit the road now,” from the boss.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">I just
panicked ran around the front just jumped into the van and said nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">It was no
surprise that I never got a call back from that particular poor unfortunate
painter to help him out again!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-91503957747677962132013-11-15T07:41:00.000-08:002013-11-15T07:41:53.657-08:00“Every young lad’s nightmare”<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">One rotten dirty January evening I
came in from work bolloxed tired. It was a Tuesday evening and like most
Tuesdays evenings, I had to give Mammy’s spuds a miss as I was in a rush to
head out to training.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">I dragged my heavy hole upstairs to
rob a pair of socks on the father. I sat back down on my auld pair’s bed,
struggling to get the socks up over my kangaroo feet. Then something caught my eye, My bottom jaw dropped with the shock. Wasn't there a brand spanking
shiny new copy of ‘50 SHADES OF GREY’ on her bedside locker looking up, almost
sneering at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ahhhh jesus nooo Maaaa!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">I threw on the other sock and headed
down stairs like a bull to confront her, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ma, where did you get that book on
your locker from!!?” says I.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“A friend, why…?” says she<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Who Ma, tell me!?” says I.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Peggy Smyth, why is it any use!??”
says she.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Peggy Smyth?? Well I’ll tell you
here and now, you are not to be hanging around with Peggy anymore. You hear
me?! She’s a bad influence on ya!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">I grabbed my bag and marched towards
the porch to head to training, On the way I gave the sitting room door (where
the auld man was relaxing supping tae and skulling jaffa cakes) a quick knock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">I looked him square in the eye..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">“I seen the book Da and I’m telling
you, there’d better be no carrying on out of ye pair while I’m at training ya
hear!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">The ould divil. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-65068826053420161382013-11-15T07:33:00.001-08:002013-11-15T07:33:26.384-08:00“Strange Barber shops in Thailand”I was telling a girl in work a few stories about Thailand. She found this one nuts. Not too sure if it’s a funny one, but jaysus it’s mental. This is the god’s honest truth... Right so, when I was in Thailand the bit of hair I have was getting long, so I said I’d look for a barber to get my head shaved.<br />
<br />
I found this little kip of a spot that had a barbers sign outside. I wandered in, big tourist head on me. I says to the women that greeted me (adding in some hand gestures for effect),<br />
“Ehh my hair all gone, no hair left please!” (which I thought was a fairly legit question to ask in any barber shop on planet earth). She nodded and began to shave away. The smell of the place was cat! As she was working away at my head, I looked in the mirror and noticed 3 young people eyeballing me; one girl about 12, one boy about the same age and one… well what I would call a ‘half & half.’ Basically it was a boy (I think) with a pair of knockers and long hair – scary looking crater god love it. So the woman cutting my hair says to me,<br />
“You want out back!?” and points at the girl!<br />
For the first time ever, I was lost for words.<br />
“Eh whatttttt, no no hair only...”<br />
“Oh I see I see,” says she. “You want boy!!?” And points at the young lad!<br />
“No no. Are ya messing!!?” says I. Then she points at the “half & half” and says,<br />
“Ok so you want that?” I was sweating altogether.<br />
“Jaysus no, just shave me facking hair please, that’s all I want.”<br />
I let her finish shaving me scalp, got up off my chair fairly shocked and puzzled, walked out of the shop and says to myself..<br />
<br />
“My god, aren't I one lucky chap to have been born and raised in Ireland by a man from Offaly and a woman from Westmeath.”Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-18614311648944522422013-11-12T08:10:00.003-08:002013-11-14T05:15:42.379-08:00“Driving Test Disaster”<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">I’d imagine
I’m not the only man or women that had a disaster while trying to pass their
driving test, well I had 3 of them before I passed, my first attempt, was quite
simply a shambles!! It went like this.. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">For
starters it was a scuttery aul morning, drizzly poxy rain. My test was on in
Finglas and I arrived late, slept in, usual bollix to start off a bad day. I
sat down waiting to be called out. Eventually I heard “Rory O’ Connor” I looked
up and straight away I knew that this was not going to go well, now I know the
cliché “don’t judge a book by its cover” but you should have seen the dorky
HEADDD on this lad, he was either after pouring gone-off milk on his bran
flakes that morning or else he quite simply hasn’t had a scratch of a young
wans arse in a long time!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Anyways we
headed out onto the road, me checking the mirrors every 10 seconds like an eejit,
Palms sweating the whole lot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">It was very
awkward in the car so I just chanced the arm ” Well, any craic with yourself,
rotten aul day isn’t it”..!!? He didn’t
reply straight away he just grunted and said “take a left up here.” At this stage I knew it was just me and my
woeful driving skills that would get me the pass as my humour meant nothing to
Fr.Stone!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">I taught it
was going well enough, indicators working grand, wipers on when needed. All
that jazz, I did make a bit of a bags of the “reverse around corner” but didn’t
hit a kerb so I thought I might have scraped a pass! So we were driving up the
Finglas road, I was confident enough I was on my way to a gold medal then all
of a sudden “BEEEEEPPPP” from behind me – a big poxy bus up my hole flashing at
me!! “Whaaat’s this lad playing at!?” I says out loud.. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Then my
heart sank and any hope I had of been a full licensed driver that Saturday
afternoon went up in shmoke!! – “Excuse me Mr O’ Connor, but you are in the bus
lane, please indicate out”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-IE"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"AWEEEEEE G’ LACKKK.." </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span lang="EN-IE"></span><span style="text-align: left;">I just replied (with a couldn’t care less tone of voice) “Well I’m no genius but I’m fairly sure that’s a big “no no” on your sheet there boss so will we just head back to base and write this test off!?” Again the odd ball grunted so I just drove straight back to the centre, shook his hand signed the failure form and drove home to mammy telling her that my 3rd consecutive test was cancelled for no particular reason!!</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-37335066780095465022013-11-12T08:01:00.004-08:002013-11-19T04:49:45.160-08:00“When you got to go.... you got to go”<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Grand, ok
so.. Myself & Emma went on our first holiday together in 2006 to <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Greece</st1:country-region></st1:place>.
I was 19 she was 18. Naturally enough to prevent awkwardness we drank A LOT.
One morning we woke dreadfully hungover and brains here decides “Mon we go rent
a speed boat for an hour, will clear the heads” Even though Emma would rather
eat sand than get on a boat with a woeful hangover, like any young lassy she
said “OK”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">So we
headed off in the speedboat, was a serious hot day late 30s. Everything was
going well, was fairly romantic I would say, then all of a sudden “BANG” didn’t
the shagging engine go on us and we in the middle of the ocean, a fair bit out
from shore..DISASTER!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">As we
panicked for a few minutes as no one was in an arses roar of us didn’t I get an
unmerciful pain in my stomach (now I don’t know about yous but after a heavy
night on the soup the next day, my <b><i>bowels</i></b>.. lets just say, wouldn’t be to
reliable). “<b>I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING, I BADLY NEED A SHITE!!</b>” I says
to myself while panicking on the boat.. Emma looks at me “Ehh are you ok!!?” I
paused for a minute while hoping this outrageous pain would go away.. Then I
just gave in..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">“Ahhh
aaawwe jaysus Emma I’m so sorry but I have to take a shit..” WHATTT says she..
“No seriously Emma you can dump me here and now if you want to but I need to
take a shite” in that same movement didn’t I leap over board and into the
freezing salty water and let loose.. Now..
Because I didn’t pay much attention in Science class or general school
for that matter I was under the illusion that my waste would head straight to
the bottom of the ocean.. but NOOO, I suddenly found myself surrounded in my
own disaster!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">It gets
worse….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Just as I
was looking up at Emma in the boat ashamed as ashamed could be doesn’t a jaysus
big whoor of a boat come towards us full of poxy tourists out spotting stupid
dolphins.. “Aweee your fuckkkinggg joooking me.. bollix, look Emma” as Emma
looked I ducked the head under water till they past bye, Leaving poor Emma to
be fed to the dogs!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Anyways, I
got back into the boat and tried to plead to Emma that I am not a crazy lunatic
and I don’t know what happened blah blah blah, eventually a life guard came out
and guided us back to shore, our evening meal was awkward enough that day<span style="font-family: Wingdings;">!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Now there’s
a couple of things you should learn from this story.. NEVER trust a speedboat
engine. NEVER lamp a monster fry down on top of a feed of beer the night before
and if you do be sure to be within a short distance from da jax.. and finally
no matter how much of a disaster you think you are there is always hope for all
of us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">I’m with my
doll Emma 8 years and have had plenty of disasters during that time which I
will gladly share with yous, because lets face it, everyone can do with a good
aul laugh these days<span style="font-family: Wingdings;">.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-7746357107626299102013-11-12T07:54:00.000-08:002013-12-10T04:41:00.788-08:00“The truth hurts”<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">When I was
a young lad I was mad into the auld golf, played it morning, noon and night,
loved it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-IE">One year
when I was about 9 or 10 I asked “Santa” for a Big Bertha(now for those of you
who don’t know anything about golf the “Big Bertha driver” was, at the time,
the absolute dogs bollix of a driver. Nothing better and cost a fair few
pound).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">Anyways,
that Christmas morning I pelted it down the stairs at all hours of the night
burst the sitting room door wide open to find the big brand new shiny <i>Big
Bertha</i> staring at me. I was delighted with myself, naturally as it was
Christmas morning there wasn’t to much “testing out” I could do with my new
driver. So as soon as the local driving range re-opened my auld lad brought me
and a pal of mine(who had also struck gold with “Santa” and got the <i>Big Bertha</i>)
down to the range to see what they where made of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">As we both
got our bucket of balls and headed to the bay both us togged out thinking we
where Tiger Woods. I put the ball down on the tea and lined up a shot, me
father and friend watching me ready to let rip. I swung the club as hard as I
could and SMACK caught the brand new driver off the poxy dirty mat and
absolutely made shit of the driver, “o fuck” ...</span><br />
<span lang="EN-IE"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-IE">I looked at the auld lad ready to
explode and my friend like any young lad desperately holding in the laughter. “ Ahhh for facckkk sake” says
the auld lad, “your good fucking driver”.. “but sure Da Santa got it for me,
not you..” says i “ a Santa my hole Rory” he grunted as he headed out into the
pissing rain to collect the other end of the driver. “mon lads outta here,
we’re going home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-IE">So that was
the day(judging by the utter RAGGGINGNESS on my fathers face when the most
expensive part of the driver went flying into the wind) I doubled stamped that
there was no such thing as good auld saint Nicklaus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3768831591896432381.post-57855466077953221422013-11-12T07:39:00.000-08:002014-01-01T04:05:10.894-08:00Introducing me!<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">My name is
<i><b>Rory O’ Connor</b></i>, I’m 26 years old and I’m from Ashbourne,Co. Meath.</span> I’ve decided to set up this blog to share with
you some funny short stories, some stories I’m sure you can relate to in one
way or another. I'll also be throwing in the odd bit of other scandal every now and again. You can follow the stories & the craic on Facebook (Rory's Stories) and on Twitter @RorysStories. Thanks</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00095303388293927490noreply@blogger.com0