The 12 pubs of Christmas.. huh!!??.. What an outrageous genius Big Darcy from Clonakilty must of been to come up with this idea, savage excuse altogether to get a gang of your best pals gathered up and hit the biggest town closest to you and go on the pure rip. My memory of the day is carnage from start to finish. Often 10,20 even up to 30 lunatics would head off into town dressed in Christmas jumpers of all sorts. I can guarantee you one thing, the full panel won’t arrive home, not a chance.
How the day of pure and utter craic starts is heading down the local with a gang of your best mates dressed up like absolute cabbages each one of you as mad as the other, in great form.
“Well Damo, you doing the 12 pubs!!?, ..”I am lad, can’t wait, gona be class!”.. “awe stop, messy”
You have the quick one in the local “Large bottle their please” then you’ll hop on the bus into “wreck baggot street!!” or whatever town is unlucky enough to host the gathering.
First pub is quite enough, quick pint then gone, 2nd 3rd and 4th pretty much the same, but... by the 5th lads are getting giddy, it’s around then one of the gargle guzzler’s shouts “herre bhoysss, last one to neck there pint does a shot..” the harmless chap of the group - who barley drinks, but promise’s all year he will do the 12 pubs at Christmas to keep us off his case, this lad always gets stuck with the shot and then by the 7th pub this poor unfortunate wobbles out the door, asks someone for a “spare fag”, then staggers up the road, reefs the phone out of his jeans pocket and rings either one of his best college mates or his close cousin from down the country “Just did the 12 pubs ladd, unrealll craic – course I lasted the 12, sure I’m heading up to coppers now with all the bhoys, some women about the place” .
By now the gang are in the 8th pub, even the “Decent drinkers” are getting googly eyed at this stage, one of the gang who doesn't smoke, hates fags usually, gets cocky and has a smoke outside this pub, inhale’s the john player into him, barley coming up for air, then all of a sudden the nicotine gets a grip of him. He waddles into the jacks, stares in the mirror and says to himself “be the lord jaysus, I amm taaawisted” leaves the toilet, shoulders some lad on the way out “Ya alright Keith?? ”.. “I’m grand, just making a call be back in a minute” and sure of course is no were to be seen for the rest of the night.
By this stage the gang are at the 9th pub, the shits slowly starting to hit the fan now. This is usually the pub were the “mess” of the gang gets caught by the bouncer letting loose into the sink instead of the pisspot.. “Right, OUTTT!!!” So that’s the 9th pub written off.
So as you head to number 10, around now 6 or 7 of the more sensible ones, I’d like to call them the “better drinkers” would say “Lads, Gerry, Marty and Tony are in an awful bundle, I reckon we leave them and leg it to a different pub!!.” GONE.
So then poor aul Tony,Marty and Gerry are left floating around the chipper, bolloxed drunk. Poor Gerry’s in a bad way spilling his heart out to the two lads “Did I ever tell you that yis are my best mate’s lads, I’m telling you, yis are, I love yas” Then good aul Gerry sticks the head back into the donor kebab for round two.
Then Tony pipe’s up “Lads, towns a kip.. I’m getting a taxi home we have a few in Kelly’s, bita craic.. “ .Marty agrees and eventually with half a kebab on his face so does Gerry.
So while the 3 stooges are half way home in the taxi, the rest of the gang are split up all around temple bar one by one getting fecked out of each pub till one lad says “foookkkk Dublin…,I’m getting a taxi home..” usually around 2 or 3 agree with him bail into a taxi and hit the road.
It’s now 1am and the 3 or 4 pure die hard drinkers of the gang are out of the game. One by one they find there way back to there hometown after been with women in disabled jacks, after been in rows and after puking all over themselves at the side of burger king.
Everyone of you wake up the next morning and first thing you say to yourself is
“ God Christ i am dying, thankkk fackkk that session only happens once a year” !!
Well folks, that is give er take, “The average Joe's 12 pubs of Christmas”