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Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Ahh well, the building sites will have to do so !!

We’ve all experienced a nightmare of a job interview at some stage, am I right!!?  Well below is my story, by god I was grilled, Enjoy!!

Back in 2009 I got an offer I couldn’t refuse, I was gifted a very hefty redundancy from my Employer that I simply couldn’t turn down. So myself and my girlfriend Emma decided to head off and see the world while we had the chance. We had a ball, seen everywhere from Figi to Vegas. After all our adventures travelling we finally settled in Sydney with my sister Carol and her husband till we found our feet.

At this stage the money was starting to run low so we had no choice but to find work, I was working in the Insurance industry at the time. I had no qualifications I just got by being a ‘people’s person’ I suppose. Well I had landed myself an interview with Allianz Insurance, huge company where I felt I could earn big dollars.

So I went and spent a fair few bucks on a custom made suit, I’ve big thighs and an even bigger arse so it was great to finally have a pair of trousers that fitted me properly.

The days leading up to the interview my sister was warning me to be ready for the interview and to do some research on it, but me being a cocky bollox I didn’t do a tap of research  “Don’t worry about it Carol, I’ll be well able to talk the talk, nay a bother ta me”.

The day of the interview came around, I remember it well because it was close to 40 fucking degrees and not a bit of a breeze, I’d of course slept in that morning so I had to run for the 10.30 bus, the interview was due to start at 11. I was sitting on the bus pissing sweat, shirt completely stuck to me, not exactly the greatest start to the day, ah but not to worry, I was going to waltz this interview and be starting on a $50,000 salary the following Monday – piece of cake.

I got to the offices at 11 on the dot, walked up to the receptionist,

“Well how things, my name is Rory, I’m here for an interview”

 “G’day Rory, here is your interview form, please fill it out and hand it back up as soon as you can, because Pauline and Judith are ready to interview you”

“Will do”

Well you would want to have seen the amount of pages I was expected to fill out, nightmare. I had a quick look through it and some of the questions on the sheet I didn’t even know what they meant,

Question 10: Please fill in your below exams results for the following Insurance exams!

Now, not only did I never do any insurance exam in my life, but I couldn’t even name one.

I began to get the feeling that I was way out of my depth and in serious trouble.

After 5 minutes of filling in ‘N/A’ under most questions I felt I’d better hand this form back up to your wan.

“Ok, thanks Rory they are ready to see you in room 4”

I walked in; the room was tiny, so I felt like a giant walking into it. There were two women sitting down ready to interview me, neither of them great looking and they didn’t come across the friendliest, both had very sharp looks on their faces. The air-con in the room seemed to be broken because I was fucking baking and there was no doubt about it that I was already banging of fresh BO from all the sweating I did on the bus earlier.

“Good morning Rory” says one of them, in a sharp Aussie accent!

I bent down a shook both their hands, big sweaty paws on me, “Well ladies, what’s the craic!?” – I got no reply; they were already clearly pissed off with me for some reason.

“So Rory, why should we hire you, what will you bring to the team?”

“Ahhh well I’m a great team player, I’m always there for other people on my team when needed” – the usual bollix you say in interviews.

As I continued to waffle on, I looked at the other aul biddy who was taking notes and I noticed on the form just how bad my handwriting really was, didn’t I go and put down the wrong date on the poxy form due to my panicking.

“So Rory explain to me a scenario where you implemented the insurance act 1984 to solve a problem!?”

I paused for a moment while thinking to myself “Sweet lord of divine jaysus, what in the name of god is she talking about”

“Come again” I muttered, as the sweat began to flow down my back.

She sighed and repeated the question in a much slower and sterner tone of voice, God I knew I was fucked and that my bluffing was going to get me NOWHERE with these two aul bags.

I came out with a brutal answer, along the lines of being honest when you are in the wrong or something pathetic like that, at this stage I began to get light headed and my mind went completely blank!

Then she came out with “Ok Rory, explain to us what benefits of the Insurance Act 1984 can benefit you and Allianz Insurance?”

“Right I’ve had enough” I says to myself, stood up, banged my sweaty head off an above light and said

“Listen ladies you clearly have me sussed, so I won’t waste any more of your time, all the best”.

Left the room, walked by the receptionist and told her I’d nailed the interview and that I’d see her Monday morning…

Needless to say I spend the next 6 months shovelling cement and drinking rotten tae on some Aussie building site !!

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Go for the '50/50' balls they say, be grand they say !!!

We have all had our fair share of injuries playing sport, from dodgy ankles to pulled hamstrings. It’s all part and parcel of playing the game. Every now and again you do get a woeful bad injury, a ligament tear or a dislocated shoulder for example. Sure only last weekend, unfortunately for all Kerry fans and GAA fans in general, the great Gooch Cooper fell victim to an awkward challenge, tore his ACL joint that will now leave him supping on Carlsberg and counting his All stars for the rest of the season, depressing that we won’t see his dummy solo followed by a curled point off the inside of his left peg in Croker this summer.     
Well a few years back I suffered a horrible auld injury myself - made absolute shit of my cheek bone!!

I was playing in a run of the mill league game with my club over in TRIMMMMM! It was a very hot sunny day. The sun was beaming above one of the goals making it impossible to see the ball. Any midfielder will tell you that, that it is a nightmare when you are trying to win a kick out. Screaming: “RORYSSSSS BALLL” and you haven’t the foggiest where the ball is in mid-air!
Well, this game was on about 10 minutes and we were up by a couple of points. Our keeper placed the ball on his tee and let rip down the middle. I called for it (I’m the type of midfielder who calls for every ball in sight and might only win half of them), a big awkward lump in other words! So as I called for this ball the sun made complete and utter eye contact with me and I couldn’t see a thing…BANG!!  All I remember is getting off the ground and my opponent saying to me, “Holy Jaysus lad your face”.. ‘huh? what’s wrong!!?’, I turned to another lad and he said the same!

Next our club chairman came over and says “jaysus buuck your cheek bone is broke”. I was then guided off the pitch as I’d some concussion and into the changing room I went. I had a look in the mirror and I’m not messing, my cheekbone was down hugging my Adams apple! “LOVELY” - so it was straight to Navan hospital for me. One of the selectors; a very decent skin from Shhligo said he would bring me in. Now Mick is a legend of a man but didn’t grasp the seriousness of my situation! We got in the car and Mick – being the diehard GAA man he is, had to tune in LMFM radio to listen to another game before we had even left the grounds!! - GAA man to the core. “Take your time there Mick, no panic!!” So we eventually left. I remember just bouncing back and forward in the front seat in desperate pain altogether while Mick was timing red lights to perfection. “Mick, for the love of god will ya put the boot down”.
Everything about the trip to the hospital was torture, from the heat of the sun beaming in on us, to the Sunday drivers out in force, going 29MPH along every poxy road! As we were coming close to Navan, being the situation I was in, by accident didn’t Mick thunder over a ramp and BANG, flat fucking tyre!! “ Ahh jaysus, you have to be kidding me”. And so, we had to pull in to a nearby shop to change the tyre.

Picture this; there was me in the front seat shaking with pain and Mick out changing the tyre, absolutely faccking typical were my thoughts! Mick being the decent sod he is, went into the shop and came back out with a mars bar and a bottle Lucozade, “Now Rory that will keep you going till dinner”!! I could barely open my eyes with the pain, let alone my shattered cheekbone to chew on a mars bar!!!! I would have loved to let rip but I couldn’t because at the end of the day he was helping me out. Eventually we got going again, arriving at Navan hospital a solid 77 minutes after I’d dismantled my cheekbone.  
I tried to give my details to the person at reception but my cheekbone was in that much of a heap I could barley get the sentence out, “Mick will you give my details there, thanks” Mick goes up gives as much details as he could about me and arrives back down to our seats with a glass of water and one and a half panadol!! “Here Rory, they gave me these to ease the pain for you”. Now giving a man with his cheekbone like a scrambled egg, one and a half panadol would be like giving a whale a figroll to satisfy his appetite. “Ahh jaysus Mick have they anything stronger?” he went back up and came back down with 3 panadol!! “Awe lord bless us and save us”.

I remember that casualty room well, full of chaps in all kinds of football gear, everyone as pissed off as each other being there.One lad was giving out stink to his mother, “Jaysus Mammy, my ankle is fecking killing me, I cant move it, its broken, defiantly broken!” .. “Ah Pet, I’m sure you will be ok and will be grand for your school lessons on Monday!!” That actually made me laugh, typical mother thing to say, more concerned about little Jimmy not missing school then the bone in his ankle popping out to say hello to the whole of casualty.

About 2 hours later, while sitting there absolutely starving but couldn’t eat a thing, the Doctor calls me in,
“Hello Sir, what appears to be the problem??” Now I don’t know if he was either drunk blind or both, but for a man who went to college for half his life to ask me that question and I with the cheekbone dismantled, summed up the day I was having!! – Some Cheek!!
Let’s just say it was a very long and painful afternoon below in Navan Hospital.

Monday, 10 February 2014

The day I nearly committed manslaughter just to back a feckin donkey!!

I’m sure there are a few budding gamblers reading this who love a flutter on an auld horse every now and again. Well a couple of years ago the famous Cheltenham festival was on and like most people who love their horses I was stressing over what horses to put my few shillings on. I’d a pain in my hole getting tips off every Tom, Dick and Harry who thought they had the business sussed!

“I’m telling ya Rory, my fathers 2nd cousin sweeps the yard for Mullins once a month and he says your mans a cert!”

“C’mere Rory, you see that horse there!?”... “I do Paddy”... “Well I was told by a good source that he’s absolutely flying below in the yard and won’t be beaten, make sure you don’t tell too many people though because his odds will go to shite”... “No bother Paddy, thanks for that”.

All this general craic does be going on in every pub and bookies up and down the country, ‘tip’ my bollox if you ask me, Just because Tony Martins horse is flying in his yard, what’s to say Noel Meade’s horse in Noels yard that will be running in the same race isn’t in the same kind of form. ‘Pure cowboys Ted’.

Anyways I was very stressed one day; I think it was the 3rd day of the festival. Things weren’t going too well for me to say the least. I’m telling ya, for the life of me I couldn’t back a winner. The jockey bating the horse before they even had a lap of the track done, “look at my horse, been shaken up already, jaysus sake”. The one or two horses were going well for me, leading for the whole race and then absolutely die a death coming up the famous hill “g’wan bate him ruby, go on, ahhh he’s fucking banjoed, feck sake”, the same aul usual bollix when your luck isn’t in.

So there I was sitting at home watching the coverage on RTE, in bad aul form to tell you the truth.
I then got a text off a number I didn’t recognise, the message just read “flying eagle won’t be bet in the 4.10”...nothing else!! I looked at the clock, she read 3.55, “ah shit”, so me and a friend of mine jumped into the motor and flew down the road to get the bet on, both of us knowing well that the horse didn’t stand a chance of winning because of the luck we were having, but sure jaysus it was a ‘tip’ so she had to win !!!

I parked er up outside the bookies in a bus lane and also blocking an entrance to the local pub, while my buddy flew in to get the bet on! I was sitting there saying to myself “thisss gobshite now is probably talking crap to some aul lad and won’t get the bet on.”
Then all of a sudden a bus came along and gave me a beep to get out of the lane…”fucking typical” I says to myself! So I stuck her in reverse, then I just heard a bang at the back of the car and a loud “ahhhh”

I looked in the wing mirror and all I seen was a worn down walking stick going about 6 feet into the air. “O holy god, I’m after killing a poor aul crater”. I jumped out of the motor and there was a man, not too far off his 80th birthday, gradually pealing himself off the ground. ‘My god I’m so sorry sir, are you ok???’

Thank the lord be te jaysus he was ok, a bit shook, but ok. So being in a bit of shock myself, I didn’t know what else to do other than guide the poor owl wounded pensioner into the local bar, sat him down, bought him a straight whiskey and walked back outside. “God I was lucky there” I says to myself!

Sure of course the day I was having, didn’t I come out of the pub to find some dorky aul clown trying to clamp my out of tax car. “Ehhhhh relax there pal, I’m going now!”
Just as I said that my friend came out of the bookies, big thick bulling head on him and says “That poxy horse fell at the last, he was 5 lengths clear coming up to it, ploughed into it and sent McCoy off into the crowd”.

”Ahh for faccckkk sakeee, right enough is enough’, so I moved the car off into a respectable place to keep the clamper man happy, Turned off the phone and joined the poor aul shaken up man, that I’d nearly murdered, on the high stool for a few pints.
I suppose as the famous song goes,

“ma mama told me there will be days like this”

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Not exactly “Sigerson Cup” standard !!

Growing up I was never a great man in school, I often struggled to understand the simple things. Sure even to this day, I find myself under awful pressure trying to identify where to stick “There & Their” into a sentence. Only for spell-check you would be fairly puzzled trying to read my stories. I reckon my aul man must have dropped me when I was baba because that part of my brain has been nonexistent since the get go!

I struggled through both primary and secondary school, ducking and diving out of any homework I got “I’m telling ya teacher, I had it all done and forgot my copy book”.
During my last 2 years of Secondary school, instead of the traditional leaving cert were you are expected to sit 37 exams over 2 weeks and your poor hand bolloxed tired filling the English paper full of waffle, I went for the easier more enjoyable option that is Leaving Cert Applied.

So I basically had nothing but pure craic for my last two years of school and I don’t regret it in the slightest. The only bad thing about it was that there wasn’t a drop of rain in the dessert chance of UCD, DCU, DIT or any of the other big guns entertaining me and my ‘merit’ in LCA.

So, when I left school of course the mother annoyed the life out of me to do something with myself;

“You’re not hanging around this house sticking your head in & out of the fridge all day; you may get a job or go to a college that might take you!”

  “Jaysus ma I’ll sort something out, any chance of tea and toast!!”

Being very into sport I said I would do the ‘fitness instructor’ course in Colaiste Ide, Finglas, even if it was just to keep the parents happy. I arrived in on my first day, wearing the Meath tracksuit, wanting to tell the whole collage, I play for my county. Typical young GAA lad thing to do.

After a few days in collage, I approached my tutor; “What’s the craic with football in this place, when we training?”. He said they fielded a team alright but they were never any good, they’d never won a thing. The year I was there we had 5 or 6 solid players. We had Dublin’s double All Ireland winner and a pure hardy buck; Philly McMahon, along with his club teammate; Ballymun’s Duracell battery Alan Hubbard and a pure talent in St. Vincent’s utility man and Leinster club medal winner Willie Lowry – Willie is a genius at football, I’ve never met a man to take the piss out of opposing players like Wille did. A pure class act!

We also had a couple of Meath minors at the time including my big awkward frame; so I felt that we had the spine of a decent team sorted. I reckoned that we’d give this competition a right good rattle. All we needed to do was gather up 5/6 lads to field a team. Well, you would want to have seen some of the ‘bandits’ we had togging out for us. There were 2 or 3 lads who we thought looked a bit ‘wirey’ and asked them to play” fancy playing a bit of football lad?” “eh, like Soccer” No, Gaelic, the real mans sport

“Ah well I played a bit of GAA in school alright, I wouldn’t be great, but if yis are stuck I’ll play alright”

These type of heads, all heart but wouldn’t have the foggiest what a ‘square ball’ meant.

One lad, woeful sound chap, we used to put the number 15 on his back in every game and ask him to stand in the corner for the hour and try hit a lad with a shoulder if possible. He used to arrive to every game in a pair of summer shorts, jet black ‘Dunnes Stores’ socks, and a pair of them astro runners that you’d buy below at the Fairyhouse market. He also had a pair of glasses on him that were thick enough to survive a smack of a sledge hammer. “I have to wear them Rory, I can’t see a bleedin’ thing without them”. He reminded me of that little chap out of the film “The little giants” were the mother sent him into battle covered head to toe in bubble wrap.

Then there was our north Dublin ‘Intimidator’, he was brought along to give us that rough look, “fuck, these lads will murder us if we act the bollox”. He’d play the game with a jewelry box full of gold on him, from the Nike earrings to the knuckle duster sovereigns, he looked like a lad who would take your head off ya if you asked for a sup of his water bottle, if truth be told he was a gentleman and wouldn’t harm a fly, but he struck a bit of false fear into the opposition so that’s all that mattered!

We defiantly weren’t the only collage who had to round up 15 lads at the last minute to play a game. I remember one day we played a team from up north. We were expecting big hardy brutes, giving the dominance of Ulster football at the time, but no, they were woeful!! I’m still convinced that they were the college soccer team because they were absolutely Cat.

There was this one lad; ah the collar up, socks up and baggy shorts on him. You knew by the head of him he hadn’t the slightest drop of GAA in his blood. Whenever he got a ball he’d throw it on the ground and head for goal. Every time this happened his manager would roar in an outrageously thick Derry accent;

“acccttt pick er up sir, you’re not playing saccer now bhoy”. Philly Mac managed to score 2-4 from play with the number 3 on his back that day. One of the goals he scored he was teed up for a header - that kind of opposition! We’d have been better off playing a game of ‘heads and volleys’ for the hour!

We had great craic playing the matches. Most games, the standard was no better than Junior B, so it was very enjoyable. I remember the semi final of the competition so well. We were a point down with 1 min to go. Lowry ran the pitch and hand passed the ball to our lethal number 15, who palmed it to the net and we’d won! I’ve never seen such a happier lad on a field in all my life, “I love the GAA lads, fookin whopper so it is” he says to us in the dressing rooms after.

We went on to win the all Ireland Division 3 that year, (behind Sigerson & trench cup). It was the most enjoyable few months of football I’ve ever played. I believe our lethal number 15 is still kicking ball for Parnells Junior D team. The likes of him is what really makes the GAA; pure characters!