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Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Ahh well, the building sites will have to do so !!

We’ve all experienced a nightmare of a job interview at some stage, am I right!!?  Well below is my story, by god I was grilled, Enjoy!!

Back in 2009 I got an offer I couldn’t refuse, I was gifted a very hefty redundancy from my Employer that I simply couldn’t turn down. So myself and my girlfriend Emma decided to head off and see the world while we had the chance. We had a ball, seen everywhere from Figi to Vegas. After all our adventures travelling we finally settled in Sydney with my sister Carol and her husband till we found our feet.

At this stage the money was starting to run low so we had no choice but to find work, I was working in the Insurance industry at the time. I had no qualifications I just got by being a ‘people’s person’ I suppose. Well I had landed myself an interview with Allianz Insurance, huge company where I felt I could earn big dollars.

So I went and spent a fair few bucks on a custom made suit, I’ve big thighs and an even bigger arse so it was great to finally have a pair of trousers that fitted me properly.

The days leading up to the interview my sister was warning me to be ready for the interview and to do some research on it, but me being a cocky bollox I didn’t do a tap of research  “Don’t worry about it Carol, I’ll be well able to talk the talk, nay a bother ta me”.

The day of the interview came around, I remember it well because it was close to 40 fucking degrees and not a bit of a breeze, I’d of course slept in that morning so I had to run for the 10.30 bus, the interview was due to start at 11. I was sitting on the bus pissing sweat, shirt completely stuck to me, not exactly the greatest start to the day, ah but not to worry, I was going to waltz this interview and be starting on a $50,000 salary the following Monday – piece of cake.

I got to the offices at 11 on the dot, walked up to the receptionist,

“Well how things, my name is Rory, I’m here for an interview”

 “G’day Rory, here is your interview form, please fill it out and hand it back up as soon as you can, because Pauline and Judith are ready to interview you”

“Will do”

Well you would want to have seen the amount of pages I was expected to fill out, nightmare. I had a quick look through it and some of the questions on the sheet I didn’t even know what they meant,

Question 10: Please fill in your below exams results for the following Insurance exams!

Now, not only did I never do any insurance exam in my life, but I couldn’t even name one.

I began to get the feeling that I was way out of my depth and in serious trouble.

After 5 minutes of filling in ‘N/A’ under most questions I felt I’d better hand this form back up to your wan.

“Ok, thanks Rory they are ready to see you in room 4”

I walked in; the room was tiny, so I felt like a giant walking into it. There were two women sitting down ready to interview me, neither of them great looking and they didn’t come across the friendliest, both had very sharp looks on their faces. The air-con in the room seemed to be broken because I was fucking baking and there was no doubt about it that I was already banging of fresh BO from all the sweating I did on the bus earlier.

“Good morning Rory” says one of them, in a sharp Aussie accent!

I bent down a shook both their hands, big sweaty paws on me, “Well ladies, what’s the craic!?” – I got no reply; they were already clearly pissed off with me for some reason.

“So Rory, why should we hire you, what will you bring to the team?”

“Ahhh well I’m a great team player, I’m always there for other people on my team when needed” – the usual bollix you say in interviews.

As I continued to waffle on, I looked at the other aul biddy who was taking notes and I noticed on the form just how bad my handwriting really was, didn’t I go and put down the wrong date on the poxy form due to my panicking.

“So Rory explain to me a scenario where you implemented the insurance act 1984 to solve a problem!?”

I paused for a moment while thinking to myself “Sweet lord of divine jaysus, what in the name of god is she talking about”

“Come again” I muttered, as the sweat began to flow down my back.

She sighed and repeated the question in a much slower and sterner tone of voice, God I knew I was fucked and that my bluffing was going to get me NOWHERE with these two aul bags.

I came out with a brutal answer, along the lines of being honest when you are in the wrong or something pathetic like that, at this stage I began to get light headed and my mind went completely blank!

Then she came out with “Ok Rory, explain to us what benefits of the Insurance Act 1984 can benefit you and Allianz Insurance?”

“Right I’ve had enough” I says to myself, stood up, banged my sweaty head off an above light and said

“Listen ladies you clearly have me sussed, so I won’t waste any more of your time, all the best”.

Left the room, walked by the receptionist and told her I’d nailed the interview and that I’d see her Monday morning…

Needless to say I spend the next 6 months shovelling cement and drinking rotten tae on some Aussie building site !!

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