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Tuesday, 12 November 2013

“When you got to go.... you got to go”

Grand, ok so.. Myself & Emma went on our first holiday together in 2006 to Greece. I was 19 she was 18. Naturally enough to prevent awkwardness we drank A LOT. One morning we woke dreadfully hungover and brains here decides “Mon we go rent a speed boat for an hour, will clear the heads” Even though Emma would rather eat sand than get on a boat with a woeful hangover, like any young lassy she said “OK”.

So we headed off in the speedboat, was a serious hot day late 30s. Everything was going well, was fairly romantic I would say, then all of a sudden “BANG” didn’t the shagging engine go on us and we in the middle of the ocean, a fair bit out from shore..DISASTER!

As we panicked for a few minutes as no one was in an arses roar of us didn’t I get an unmerciful pain in my stomach (now I don’t know about yous but after a heavy night on the soup the next day, my bowels.. lets just say, wouldn’t be to reliable). “I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING, I BADLY NEED A SHITE!!” I says to myself while panicking on the boat.. Emma looks at me “Ehh are you ok!!?” I paused for a minute while hoping this outrageous pain would go away.. Then I just gave in..

“Ahhh aaawwe jaysus Emma I’m so sorry but I have to take a shit..” WHATTT says she.. “No seriously Emma you can dump me here and now if you want to but I need to take a shite” in that same movement didn’t I leap over board and into the freezing salty water and let loose.. Now..  Because I didn’t pay much attention in Science class or general school for that matter I was under the illusion that my waste would head straight to the bottom of the ocean.. but NOOO, I suddenly found myself surrounded in my own disaster!!

It gets worse….

Just as I was looking up at Emma in the boat ashamed as ashamed could be doesn’t a jaysus big whoor of a boat come towards us full of poxy tourists out spotting stupid dolphins.. “Aweee your fuckkkinggg joooking me.. bollix, look Emma” as Emma looked I ducked the head under water till they past bye, Leaving poor Emma to be fed to the dogs!!

Anyways, I got back into the boat and tried to plead to Emma that I am not a crazy lunatic and I don’t know what happened blah blah blah, eventually a life guard came out and guided us back to shore, our evening meal was awkward enough that day!

Now there’s a couple of things you should learn from this story.. NEVER trust a speedboat engine. NEVER lamp a monster fry down on top of a feed of beer the night before and if you do be sure to be within a short distance from da jax.. and finally no matter how much of a disaster you think you are there is always hope for all of us.

I’m with my doll Emma 8 years and have had plenty of disasters during that time which I will gladly share with yous, because lets face it, everyone can do with a good aul laugh these days.

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